Disclaimer: This idea is not my own. As far as I know it was developed by my brother, Thom, his wife Colleen, and my friend, Brian. Credit for this game goes to them.
Here's how you play the Poop Movie Game. Use movie titles to describe your bowel movements. It's that easy. I'll list a bunch to get you started. Feel free to post some here, or share them with your friends. The movie titles, not the poops. Unless you're German and/or you really don't like your friends.
In no particular order of greatness or hilarity.
Nightmare on Elm Street
Can't Hardly Wait
The Quick and the Dead
Herbie Goes Bananas
The Pride of the Yankees
Waiting to Exhale
How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
The Gold Rush
Twister
Something's Gotta Give
Tremors
Days of Thunder
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
Thunderball
The Phantom Menace
There are probably few I haven't heard in the past week from those who have played, but please, continue the list, and as always...
My friend Liz at Naptime Decorator recently posted her Top 10, most viewed posts of 2011. I thought that was a great idea until I realized that my entire blog (now two years old) doesn't have the viewership of one of her regular posts. However, I remain undaunted and will sully myself silly with self-indulgence, all in the name of having a Top 10 of my own, even if it means that I'm telling you not which were your favorite posts of mine, but which were my favorite posts of mine. If you can't handle such self-gratifying profligacy, then read no further. Otherwise, enjoy.
Just when you think they can't get any worse, they add a new feature.
Well that's my Top 10. If you care to, let me know if you agree with me. I doubt you'll re-read these but maybe, just maybe, you'll get REALLY bored. Thanks for reading and as always...
I've previously written about my love of watching the Food Network because of all the scary, douchebaggy, and bat-shit crazy cooking show hosts who regale us with tales of culinary techniques both foreign and domestic. They certainly are a delight, and if they ever fail to amuse, there are always good drinking games to be played while watching their shows to lighten the mood and wobble your gait.
Recently, though, I've been watching youtube clips of some of the cooking show hosts from the days of yore.
Justin Wilson, better known to most as the "Ah Gahr-Uhn-TEE" Cajun guy, is always entertaining, but in an old timey sort of way.
He also makes some pretty good food, though it's certainly not as flashy as the modern hosts. I recently made the recipe found in the video above (minus the chicken gizzards) and it was delicious.
But my search led me to a fella I'd largely forgotten about, Jeff Smith, "The Frugal Gourmet."
Oh, boy is this guy something else! He is rather tough to describe. He was a sweet old poop, and at the same time, a raging maniac. He pronounces "water" with about four h's before the first syllable (i.e. "hhhhwater") and "peanuts" as if it were a homonym of "penis." He also burns himself with alarming regularity. He has a massive case of attention deficit disorder and frequently pronounces a dish "done," "ready," or "ready to go" up to five times before he's finished adding ingredients. He frequently starts a story or recipe and begins a different story or recipe before the one he started is remotely finished. There are so many gaffes, foul-ups and nonsensical banter you won't believe it.
The above is a great example of what I'm talking about as well as a good starting point for my next cooking show drinking game, "The (not so) Frugal Drinking Game." I'll add some more good clips at the end (I've been bored recently) but here are the rules which you can mix and match at your discretion, but don't try too many at once:
1) 1 drink for every time he can't find an ingredient or utensil.
2) 1 drink for every time he clangs the cookwear obnoxiously loud.
3) 1 drink for every time he starts but fails to finish a sentence.
4) 2 drinks for every time he burns himself.
5) 2 drinks for every time he shows you previously prepared food, but forgets to inform you how to make it.
6) 3 drinks for every time he does the opposite of what he talks about.
7) 3 drinks for every time he declares his own food that he's just prepared to be "awful."
8) 4 drinks for every time he tells you to count to an irrelevant number to properly time the cooking of your food.
9) 4 drinks for every time he implores you to buy something that "costs a fortune."
10) 5 drinks for every time he shows you food he hasn't previously discussed.
Feel free to play with the rules or add your own, but be prepared to start giving your children Adderall at every meal to avoid turning out like this man.
And as promised, here are some more clips to play with, and as always, my lips to yours.
Here, the Frugal Gourmet discusses how we need to eat LESS beef and cooks several pounds of BRISKET!
Here, ol' Jeff shows you how to cook that classic FRENCH dish, "Sauerkraut and Weenies!" C'est magnifique, non?
... I just wanted to follow up on my last post. The "Meet Me" function at plentyoffish.com, as I previously noted, is intended to "dramatically improve" my dating matches. Last time, we took a look at the very first person about whom they offered me the question, "do you want to meet her?" Didn't turn out so hot.
Now the relationship wizards at the finest dating site zero dollars can buy a subscription to have alerted me that someone out there (and by "out there" I mean in a DIFFERENT F-ING STATE) saw a certain someone's profile, checked the "Yes" box next to that certain someone's name, and wants to meet yours truly! Well that sure didn't take long, plentyoffish.com! Let's see who the lucky, inquisitive lil' hottie is, shall we?
JACKPOT!
Blue eyes, butterflies and Bingo-wings: these are a few of my favorite things!
Blue___2010 is a buxom out of towner who wants to get to know me, of all people. ME! Well it's good that one of the two things she lists as her interests is "texting," because we'll need good texting skills being that we live NOWHERE NEAR EACH OTHER. Plentyoffish.com has this dating thing down to a science, don't they?
Now, gentle readers, I am sure you are wondering, what could this lovely, vivacious, young debutante possibly list as her other interest? I mean, she digs texting, what else could there possibly be? Well take one good look at the picture above and I'll bet you'll figure it out on your own. Got it yet? That's right! It's "going to the gym!" And as you can see, it's working!
Now that I know she's both interesting AND fit, I'm more inclined to start a long distance relationship. Let's see how she describes herself, shall we? She lists her body type as "a few extra pounds," but honestly, you can barely tell. She says she's "a fun loving country girl" and the mother of a five year old boy. She likes swimming, bowling, and cookouts, and she can't stand liars. An avid Steeler's fan, she says she is also "working on my figure." If she works any harder she might explode! You know, from all the exercise.
However she is not looking for someone who "plays games," which for me, is kind of a deal breaker. I love playing games. Games like, "Go for a Walk Once in Your Life" and "Put the Goddam Cheeseburger Down." Sorry, Blue___2010. I guess I'm a bit too playful for you.
No, gentle readers, I am here today to inform you of a new feature at plentyoffish.com called "Meet Me," which they contend will "dramatically improve your matches." I think my readership (all six of you) knows me well enough to know that when plentyoffish.com says that there is a way to "dramatically improve" my matches that I just won't be able to help myself. And so I click on...
And I know this is mean. I shouldn't use people's real pictures. But I have to. I just have to. Out of my desire to "dramatically improve" my matches, I clicked the "Meet Me" button for the very first time and this sultry young vixen's picture pops up.
I could be wrong, but I think she lives in the shed behind her in this picture.
Above her picture is a caption which, presumably, she herself has written. It is a three-word caption which reads (I swear, I am not making this up) "sad and lonely."
THANK YOU, PLENTYOFFFISH.COM! Thank you for dramatically improving my matches! What a big step up from the witches, ogres and hags you typically offer me as potential girlfriend material! Way to go!
At this point, plentyoffish.com offers me several choices. At the top of the page, they ask, "Do You Want to Meet Her?" And then, because the subtle art of dating has not progressed one iota since I was in middle school, they offer three boxes I can click on. They read, "Yes," "No," and "Maybe." As I can't actually bring myself to click on one of these and alert the winner of the 1978 Miss Test Tube Mishap contest as to whether or not I want to meet her, I look for other options and find that I can choose to view her profile. As I am finishing this paragraph I have yet to click on that option so that I can bring you, gentle reader, along with me on what is likely to be an enlightening adventure.
Here we go.
There isn't much I can see without being an "upgraded member" at plentyoffish.com, but what I can see is, well, unsettling. She's 33, likes hiking, bowling, baseball and country music. So far so good, but she then goes on to describe herself in her "About Me" section. Again, I swear that this is an actual quote (name changed).
"Hi my name is Allison.
I have been hurt so many times, I have been stabbed and lied to. I am looking for friendship and see where it goes."
May I confide in you, gentle readers? I totally have a thing for stab wounds. They really rev my engines.
WHAT THE HOLY LIVING SHIT!!!??? I've seen people on dating websites mention that they've been hurt in relationships before. Ok, fair enough, but STABBED? And the fact that "stabbed" is in such close proximity to "lied to" in that sentence, it seems that she equates the two. As if, "no, baby, I was just out having a few drinks with the boys" and "steak knife to the trapezius" are pretty much the same thing.
And I am not one to make light of domestic violence, I'm really not. If she was indeed stabbed, that's a horrible thing. But why on God's Blue Orb would you put that information on a dating website? I mean, I've had some bad dates before. (Did I tell you the one where I shit my pants getting into the car on a date and had to drive 4 miles before dropping her off at a store and had to go to a Subway restaurant bathroom, discard my underpants, throw my khakis in a dumpster and change into a pair of jeans I'd clairvoyantly left in the backseat of my car before rejoining my date at the store? Yep. That happened.) But I rather conveniently choose not to share it with potential romantic interests.
Perhaps I should, though. Perhaps it would dramatically improve the chances of some lucky lady out there, hoping to reel in one hell of a catch.
This post is dedicated to the best Italian boobs in the business and the freakishly large head that perches above them.
Name: Giada de Laurentiis (pronounced DEE-lar-en-tees, unless Giada herself is saying it, in which case it probably sounds more like deh-laurlllerrelleelerr-en-teahhhhhhseehh).
Age: Old enough to know how to "work it" and be slightly terrifying at the same time.
Signature dish: Fresh Pasta Rollatini with Spinach and Ricotta. She only likes this dish because it takes her an hour and a half to pronounce it in her bullshit Italian accent.
Favorite ingredients: Anything she can get away with over-enunciating.
Head size she emulates: Megamind
Favorite animal: The great white shark. Wait...
...Oh there it is. Sometimes I can't tell them apart.
Signature cocktail: Whatever this is, it doesn't have nearly enough rohypnol to put me at ease around this woman.
Signature cooking technique: Adding lemon zest to ANYTHING. If she goes to a baseball game, Giada will put lemon zest on her hot dogs and crackerjacks.
Most difficult part about watching her show: Trying to decide if this woman frightens me or turns me on and realizing that these two things might not be mutually exclusive. Paging Dr. Freud!
If you're wondering about the title to this post, watch an episode of her show and take a sip of beer every time she says the phrase, "just like that," while demonstrating how to, say, add salt to a bowl, then see if you can walk straight after 30 minutes. Five bucks says you can't.
I'm back, gentle readers. I morbidly peered at my plentyoffish.com profile today and took a good, hard look at the beautiful, interesting women who had clicked on me as they cast their proverbial lines into the murky waters of internet dating. Let's see if I should take the bait, shall we?
Here's Zi***ra, the last lady to view my profile.
White's Only! Never mind that I'm Hispanic!
And here, more literally, is what she has to say about herself (this is verbatim):
MY NAME IS ZI***RA AND I AM 30 YEARS OLD I AM VERY FUNNY AND I LIKE TO GO TO THE GYM AND I LIKE TO COOK AND I LIKE UpTO RUN ..AND I WOULD LIKE TO FIND MY ANOTHER HALF FOREVER AND HAVE ONE BEAUTIFUL FAMILY. Is hard find a good guy who really wants a honestly lady here!!!!!! .. IF YOU ARE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE SERIOUS ?? I AM HERE LOOKING FOR THE SAME !! I like caucasian guys.....hope find you
Note the interesting use of MOSt CAPS. Really adds a nice zest to her profile. Fortunately for me, I'm white! Unfortunately for her, I don't want "one beautiful family." I'd prefer like, 7 or 8 ugly families. Time to head into deeper waters.
K**86's profile is too long to fit into this post and her boobs are too large to fit into a single picture. But here are snippets of both.
There are many things you can't tell about me just from seeing my boobs.
Here are some things K**86 lists as "general things" about her. Her profession is "Johns hopkins" (yet another random capitalizer) and she is working towards her Associates degree from Harford County Community College. She continues, "I am a huge football, and hockey fan!"
Though I'm not usually interested in dating footballs, I am intrigued by really large footballs who love hockey so I read on in a section weirdly labeled, "A few things you probably couldn't tell by looking at me." It's almost as if (from reading her "general things" section) at one glance you would immediately know that she Johns hopkinses for a living. But here are some of those things you apparently couldn't gather from looking this huge football or her huge boobs:
"I love tattoos! I have 4 of my own!" Is it just me, or is this the ONE thing you COULD tell by looking at you, K**86? Oh well, I won't quibble. I'm not much of a quibbler. Go on.
"Music is my world! I'm mostly a alternative kind of girl but I pretty much listen to everything." Excellent! I'd love a alternative girl who listens to everything! I've got some German-Turkish Polka, Himalayan scream singing, and a 14-hour long boxed set of fat people sitting on pies! We could put that on at dinner then slow dance to it until the sun comes up. Mmm, mmm.
"I am extremely close to my parents, as well as my family." Sorry? In addition to being close to your parents, you are also close to your family? Too bad, my sweet, large-breasted football. I refuse to date someone who doesn't recognize their parents as "family," no matter how close you are to them. I shall look elsewhere.
Sistermozart**** also viewed my profile recently.
I look about average, right?
She is 5'0", perfectly round, lists her body type as "average" and enjoys "photography quilting." I was going to make fun of her for her grammatical gaffe, but I read on to find out that "I also combine photography and quilting together to make my own very special quilts." It makes me wonder if she also combines cooking with ritual pagan animal slaughter and I am suddenly very afraid. VERY afraid.
And so I will swim on, gentle readers, and find murkier waters with more fun, colorful fish.
