Sunday, May 8, 2011

Plentyoffish: Why Me?

It's Sunday night, so the good people at have decided to casually introduce me to some fine ladies in the Baltimore metropolitan area. Obviously, they think it wise to start my week off with a healthy dose of hopeless despair. Fortunately for you, gentle readers, instead of simply deleting the emails sent to me by this perplexing, sad, and most depressing website, thus side-stepping the painful process of wriggling out of the nets cast by scores of overweight, borderline retarded, single Maryland women, I dive head first into their murky waters, and confront their supreme awkwardness head-on.

And of course, by "head-on," I mean, "making fun of them behind their backs." But just to protect any feelings that might possibly get hurt (I know, I'm turning into a royal bleeding heart, aren't I?) I'm editing the names of the (ahem) innocent.

Shall we begin?

I only tell the truth when I get excited.

luv------81 fits the hefty yet chinless mold of plentyoffish users I've come to know and accept as "the usual." She further fails to make herself stand out as she chose to leave her "interests" section blank. She does tell me a little bit about herself, though, and for this I am truly grateful.

Thank you, luv------81, for telling me you "like to go to the movies, play pool shopping and going to the gym." I now know 1) nothing about your taste in movies, 2) you like to "play pool shopping," which I imagine consists of you going to pool stores where you pretend to buy pools, and 3) you enjoy fibbing about your exercise habits.

Concerning her outlook on life, she notes that she is "a very down to Earth person" and I might remember the rest of sentence, but bullshit cliches often make me drool on my keyboard, so cleaning the spittle between my space bar and the v key distracted me.

Let's see, what else does she have to say for herself? Ah yes, here it is. "Sometimes I like to tell it like it is, but for the most part I'm a very laid back person." So you're only honest sometimes, but the rest of the time whilst you're lying through your teeth, you can be a pretty calm chick, huh? Sorry, luv------81, even though the picture of you drinking from a red plastic cup in a car outside the 7-11 was pretty hot, as I can't tell if you were either hyper and truthful or calm and duplicitous when you wrote your profile, I can't trust you and will have to go fish elsewhere.

Opened to everything. Don't ask what I mean by "opened."

L----246 actually breaks the mold of "the usual" and is somewhat physically attractive, but she has some trouble nailing down exactly what her interests are. Her entire "About Me" section reads as follows: "I am opened to everything... want to try new with my friend,shopping,love to go fishing.. Notice me if you interested !!!" 

You like everything? Sweet! I'm totally into self-induced comas, stealing from the elderly and flogging the homeless without mercy. I'm guessing you are, too! How about this for a first date? We could have boiling water balloon fights with pre-teens, paint vulgar images on stop signs while on meth, then go hang out with your family or your one friend! 

Believe me, I notice you and I interested!!!

It doesn't matter what I am, just love me.

nedd----004 is a 29 year old woman who is obviously lying about her age and quite possibly her gender. She again stretches the truth when describing her body type as having "a few extra pounds," but she does come clean later on in her profile as her "about me" section begins, "5'5" brown hair, brown eyes, 199 lbs." 

nedd----004 looks as if she's been through a few wars, wars which may have involved states seceding from the Union, unreasonable taxes on tea, or quite possibly an objection to Hammurabi's Code. She does keep her hairstyle up to date, though, with a rather fearsome mullet and she has seemingly decided to replace her eyebrows with live ferrets. 

For the sake of not being repetitive, I'll eschew pointing out her paragraphs without periods, but instead take a look at the content of her self descriptions. She claims to be "tired of being hurt in relationships," but I imagine that trying to find her sexual identity during the Bubonic Plague was a bit rough on nedd----004. But she also offers this rather perplexing tidbit: "I would love to find someone who would care for me for who I am, not what I am." Does this not beg the question, "Lady, what the fuck ARE you?" I might  have a tough time getting past the whole "what is she" dilemma and moving on to "loving her for who she is." Color me a bigot, but I'd first like to make sure she's human.

Oh, Plentyoffish... 

My lips to yours.

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