Friday, November 16, 2012

Plenty Off-ish, Indeed!

Gentle readers, it's good to be back with you. It has been a while. Since last we communed, I've changed jobs, lost a few pounds and... you're not here to read about me. So let's take a look at off-ish a-plenty women I'm supposed to be the perfect match for, shall we?

I know a sport we can play! It's called, "Wreckin' Ball!"

Jan--small is a 33 year-old high school graduate who doesn't do drugs. Or does she? Part of the profile asks whether or not you do drugs (a charming feature apparently meant to bring meth addicts together). She answered no. But later on she comes clean. "When I said the "Do you do drugs?" I only smoke to unwind and I do not smoke ciggarettes, but can be around those that do. Just being honest...." Aha! You lied when you said the "Do you do drugs!" But thanks for clearing up what the "Do you do drugs" was called. I had trouble putting my finger on that one. 

Other than her occasional pot usage, Jan--small loves the outdoors and run-on sentences. She used to be an athlete (what sport that may have been, God only knows) and can't wait to have kids! "I played sports in high school, more then anything I would love to be a stay at home mom." I'm not sure if I'm ready for that kind of commitment, so I'll have to move on, even if you aren't "the kind to go to town on the first date if you catch my drift." I'm not even sure if I want to catch your drift. Ta ta!

"Don't matter if I got this baby on my hip, I'm not wearing a bra! Not wearing a bra = sexy!"
Wife-Material-- is a 25 year-old mother, student, poet, and animal lover. "I wish I was a millionaire because it would totally go for all the sick abused animals." Or she could buy a bra. But she's a very self-less person, which I like. "I will take the shirt off my back for someone I care for." Great! If you end up caring for me, you can take the shirt off your back for me and I'll be sure to pack an extra bra for you! Or you could just buy a bra. 

When it comes to the kind of man she's looking for, I'm not sure if I'm up her alley. "I like strong , protective , take control kind of man. I like a family man who loves his family. I like older men..... I feel like they know what they want and are mature." Although I love my family, I feel like I might be too immature for you, Wife-Material--. And I don't really feel like carrying a bra around with me every time you're feeling generous. On to open waters!

Would we get along? As long as you reveal nothing about yourself, I think we might!
Lilshorty---- is an enigma wrapped in a severe lack of information. She is a 25 year-old mother of two who lists "working, movies, dinner, road trips" as her interests. She's interested in dinner. Dinner. Not cooking or food pairings. Just dinner. I'm more of a breakfast guy myself, but I'll read on. 

Her "About Me" section reads thus. "Hey my name is **** I'm a 25 year old mother of 2 boys **** and **** I work full Time and like to chill out on my days off I've had bad Luck in the past and hope to one day find a good guy to be in mine and my kids life. So if you think we would get along shoot me a line no perverts please!" If I think we'd get along? Other than the fact that I set the filter on's search features to exclude women with children (moms now seem to comprise over 50% of my matches) how could I possibly know if we'd get along? Oh, wait! We both like to chill out! And you're polite to the perverts and say please when asking them not to contact you! This could be a match made in heaven! If it weren't for your random capitalizations and complete misunderstanding of how to end sentences properly, I think we could chill and be polite to perverts together forever and ever. Quel dommage!

I can spell the word "and" 3 different ways, even though none of them are right!

Sweet--- is a pre-school teacher who should make us all fear for the future. Her idea of a good first date is this. "Wow first date ... I would love to meet up have a great dinner n glass of wine n jus sit in talk n learn each other and hopefully plan our next date." Apparently, this educator speaks to her students only through text messages. Either that, or she never actually speaks in full words. If I were to ask her out on a date I think I'd have to say something like, "hy, bby, y dun we go n git sum wyn in learn bout ech otha an ho to rite wurds 2 ech otha." But that would be exhausting. 

Speaking of which that's enough for now.

My lips to yours!