Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Anal Game Entries Pt. 7


The ambassador to Fire Island?


A Great Awakening?


How exactly the dust is removed remains a mystery I still don't want to solve.


Long live the King!!

40) ECHO

Not exactly the kinds of sounds you want repeated.

Anal Game Entries Pt. 6




She's been around the block (and back!) since before you were born.

33) DART



Face it, you're not getting in.


Because it'll give you a devil of a good time!

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Anal Game Entries Pt. 5


Bet you didn't know you could get a ticket for it!

27) CITY

If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere.


Like Studio 54 on wheels!


He just really liked the feathers and the dancing.


Just like Napoleon... To divide and conquer!

Anal Game Entries Pt. 4


Richard Simmons or Jenna Jameson?


Well that's quite a lot of um... uhh....


"And in THIS corner..."


A rather eager fellow.


Strangely he never took a Squaw.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Anal Game Entries Pt. 3

Thanks for reading. Keep checking back for more.


If you had a Blazer, you'd know it immediately.


This one probably comes with a few air fresheners.


Could be dangerous, could be awesome. Either way you're in for one hell of a ride!


You may need a few buddies for this one.


Oh, thassa SPICY meatball!

Anal Game Entries Pt. 2

Round 2.


Exit Only!


Well this one's a gimmie.


Like a fussy little Inca.


No one needs these.

15) BRAT

Not sure if they meant a petulant child or a German sausage, but I guess either way it works.

Anal Game Entries Pt. 1

Ok, this is just too much fun to leave alone. Here are some entries and my thoughts about them for The Anal Game. I'm taking these from a list of car names I found at


Not a lot; just a splash.


Very highly touted.


Not sure if this is a pact you want to enter into, but to each his own.


Either the worst or best friend you could possibly have.


This would be a good name for a gay professional wrestler.


Like going #2 in reverse.


If you really want to make it in this business, you have a lot to live up to.


This may happen the morning after too much tequilla and too many taquitos. Or even worse, the night of.


Watch your back!


This hot shot always knows where he's going.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

The Anal Game

Yes, this is pubescent and silly. Yes it's irreverent. Yes, I still have the maturity and wit of an 8th grader. No, I didn't think of this on my own (I give credit to Billy Gordon's bosses at Digital Design Group). But it's still funny.

Here's how to play The Anal Game.

Many automobile manufacturers failed to realize when naming their vehicles that their car names make the word "anal" sound really funny.

Ford is one of the best sources for the Anal Game. Next time your on the road and you notice a Ford vehicle, add Anal to car's model name and you have instant hilarity. See who can find the funniest car names. The most laughs gets the win. Really, everyone wins when playing The Anal Game.

Example: A Ford Ranger becomes an Anal Ranger.
A Chevy Avalanche becomes an Anal Avalanche (pictured above).
A Honda Pilot becomes an Anal Pilot etc.
No points awarded to car names that aren't real words ("Prius") or are just letters and numbers (Q45). Well no points are awarded at all, but those just aren't funny. Keep your eye out for rare ones and if you find a good one, feel free to comment here.

Enjoy, drive safe, and as always...

My lips to yours.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

The Drunkest Night of My Life

Thanks again, Sarah Perrich, for inadvertently reminding me of something to write about and getting me out of my blog drought.

After reading some of Sarah's travel misadventures at, I was reminded of one of the rowdiest nights I had abroad.

Billy and I went backpacking across Europe in the fall of 2004. We made it from England to Holland to Switzerland to Austria to Hungary to Czech Republic to Germany and back in 3 weeks. We planned the trip so that we could be in Leiden, the town in the Netherlands where I studied abroad (she had D cups! BAZING!) the previous fall during their Independence Day festival.

Leiden's Independence Day festival starts on October 2nd and lasts three to four days. They set up carnival rides, there are food vendors and bands on every street corner and in every bar, and as far as the eye can see, there are kegs and kegs and kegs of Heineken. Sweet, delicious Heineken. Walking home early one morning on October 4th, I literally waded the 1 mile walk, shin deep through disposable plastic beer cups. Needless to say, the town goes a little nuts for a few days and everyone seems to have a good time (especially the old man with an immense beard who passed me on that walk home who had either gotten an early start or a really late finish to the festivities for the day, slopping Heineken down his beard at 7:30 in the morning).

The night this story takes place began with Billy and I having dinner with the Greeks at my friend Lizetta's house in Leiden. We met some Finnish girls and I reunited with my Peruvian friend Sergio which was a good thing, because this story should really be called, "The Night Sergio Saved My Life."

We ate good food, drank cheap wine and homemade Ouzo (a Greek liquor which is rarely consumed when not part of a dare) before we hit the town. We met up with friends along the way as hopped from spot to spot around the town. Life was grand, if a little wobbly.

At 1 am in Leiden, bars are not allowed to let more people in. Once you're there you can stay as long as you like, or until they kick you out, but there is no set closing time. So our group decided to camp out at a bar called Odessa. It's a narrow bar but long and they have a deck that sits on a canal. It is at this point that I must discuss canals. Dutch canals are very slow moving rivers. The river in question at this point, is the Rhine River, which in Leiden is a stinky, stagnant canal. Throw in a few hundred thousand people drinking and peeing into the canal... you get the picture.

Odessa had that night decided on a beach theme and put sand on the floor of the entire bar which was fun, at first. Entering the bar, I should have been headed for bed, but my friend Shirley was there and she's a very attractive South African and I was feeling more and more handsome as the night went on so I stayed, not knowing that Shirley could drink me under the table, which she promptly did.

Billy went off to the deck out back to flirt with one of the Finnish girls when I hit my wall. You know that point in the night when you'd been feeling happy-go-lucky and even if you're slurry and stumbly, you're still having a good time? Then all that comes crashing down at once and you feel like you've been beaten with a tire iron for an hour or two? Yeah, that happened. I abandoned my quest for Shirley and went to find Sergio, which was not an easy task in a crowded bar with a gut full of Ouzo and Heineken. Sergio was quite the lothario, and my pleas for help were imposing on his quest, but he took up his "bro's before ho's" duties and decided to help me.

It was at this point in the story that a sopping wet Billy walked up to me at the front of the bar and tried to inform me that he had fallen into the canal (see above). His soaking wet frame was draped over the Finnish gal and everyone was laughing and pointing at him. My mind, however could not see through the alcohol to the meaning of all of this and I immediately turned back to an obviously stunned Sergio and said, "Sergio. Bed." These would be the only two words I would be able to muster for the rest of the evening. "Sergio. Bed."

Billy and the Finnish girl left me in Sergio's capable hands. Sergio was going to stash me in his dorm room and go out again, which was fine by by me, but somehow he had lost his dorm key in the sand that covered the bar floor. "Sergio. Bed." I struggled to stand. I struggled to sit. I knew I couldn't lay on the floor. "Sergio. Bed." I staggered and wavered and bumped into people. "Sergio. Bed."

Sergio was not happy. Not only could he not get into his own room, he had me to deal with and I couldn't understand why he couldn't get into his room without a key. "Sergio. Bed." The last thing I remember was being outside the bar with Sergio on the phone, telling someone he had this guy with him who was about to die. "Sergio. Bed."

I woke up the next morning without opening my eyes. I took a quick inventory and was pretty sure that most of my body parts were still attached. I noted that I was on a mattress and I had a pillow. I peeled one eye open. I was in a room I'd never been in before. About 6 feet away a Dutch girl I'd never seen before was lying on her own mattress. I saw no one I knew. Nothing was familiar. She woke up as if she expected me to be there and said "good morning" in English. My adrenaline started to kick in. I got up and checked for my belongings which were mostly still in my pockets. I had no idea what to say or do, so I simply said, "I'm sorry. I have no idea who you are or how I got here, but thank you, a million times thank you, and I'm sorry," and I bolted for the door.

The door led me to some strange courtyard that I had never been in before. I was confused and panicked and my brain was still struggling from what I'd done to it the night before. I began to sweat. I found a very tall gate and opened it to find that I was 3 doors up from Odessa. The street musicians were setting up for the next days festivities, and one guy with an elaborate music box began playing "Send in the Clowns." I dropped to the sidewalk, half out of relief from knowing where I was and half from the irony of hearing THAT song at THAT moment in my life, and began laughing hysterically.

I went to the house where the Finnish girls where staying to find Billy. I knocked on the door and was greeted by an Australian guy. "Is Billy here? American guy?"
"To be honest mate, I haven't got a fucking clue. I don't even know whose house this is." Billy stirred from the back of the living room, got his clothes (now clean) and came back to the place we were staying.

I took a much needed shower and as I was doing so, I slipped, did a faceplant on the front of the tub and broke off half of my front tooth.

My lips to yours.