Friday, April 22, 2011

Food Network Drinking Game

[With thanks to Lacie Hicks.]

Here are some fun drinking games to play while watching the Food Network. Feel free to choose your own poison, but I don't recommend any cocktail made by Sandra Lee (you'll end up in a diabetic coma) or Guy Fieri (you may as well drink cat vomit).

All Hosts
Drink every time:
1) the host tells you to use, and casually reaches for an ingredient you've never heard of before, as if you ALWAYS have clarified fish oil in your kitchen.
2) the host uses the word "caramelize" or any derivation thereof.
3) the host uses an amount of an ingredient that's nowhere near the amount they say they're using (like, 3 handfuls of salt later, they say use a teaspoon).
4) the host acts surprised that the food they just cooked tastes good.
5) the host has an obnoxious guest cooking with them (this includes their children).

The Barefoot Contessa
Drink every time:
1) she mentions in a tone usually reserved for mortuaries and funeral homes, what a terrific party she's going to host later.
2) she uses the adjective "good" to describe an ingredient (i.e. "good vanilla" or "good tomato juice").
3) you're pretty sure she's going to fall asleep from all that fresh basil.
4) she forces herself to laugh.
5) she gives her husband, Jeffrey, an awkward, "I obviously married a gay man" kiss hello.

Giada de Laurentiis
Drink every time:
1) she over-enunciates an Italian word.
2) she smiles to the camera while doing something menial like stirring.
3) she scares you or your child with her "Monster's Inc. Mouth."
4) she uses the word "crunch." Seriously, it's blood-curdling.
5) you imagine her whisking while topless.

Guy Fieri
Drink every time:
1) he references his bling.
2) he sounds like he's drowning while trying to say "Worcestershire."
3) he tastes his own food and gets it all over his face and hands.
4) he makes a repulsive cocktail (i.e. his "dirty pickle martini").
5) you hate God for concocting such an awful douchebag.

Sandra Lee
Drink every time:
1) you can't believe this nutjob has her own television show.
2) she mentions the time-saving benefits of buying pre-sliced vegetables at the store.
3) she uses onion soup mix in one of her recipes.
4) she uses the word "super" twice or more in a row (i.e. "it's super, super simple").
5) she says "DUH-licious."

If you have any other Food Network shows you'd like to see incorporated into the Food Network Drinking Game, please let me know. And as always...

My lips to yours.

1 comment:

  1. Rachael Ray

    Drink everytime:
    1) She describes how her "mommy" would cook the dish
    2) Her mother appears on the show to help cook said dish, looking as lively as a coma patient
    3) You want to cane her for bringing "EVOO" into the national lexicon
    4) Her cutesy and vague ingredient amount descriptions ("just a skotch" "add a little bloop of -") ensure you will massively fuck up the dish
    5) You wonder what the hell happened to her voice