Monday, July 16, 2012

Some Days, I Wish I Were Carrot Top

It's been a while since we've communed, gentle readers. Life's been good but hectic of late. Not much of a moment to spare peering into the profiles of the gorgeous debutantes at, but on my day off today, I figured I'd let curiosity do what it does best, and hopefully my cat will make it out of this little excursion alive. Just in case, I've put his veterinarian on call.

Without further ado:

You see this face? This is my sexy face!

Court________1020 gets straight to the point.

"Let me start first by saying if your just looking for sex you've come to the wrong place."

And she's right about that! Smart, this one, even though she does still get tripped up by the "your, you're" conundrum, but who doesn't these days?

"I'm looking for something long term, not a one nighter." 

Long term, eh? Have you thought of looking in your county's prisons? As for the one nighter thing, I think you're pretty safe.

"I want something REAL." 

Fair enough. I'll put down the plastic mannequin I was putting together for you in a box marked "Boyfriend Material," and I'll wish you happy hunting.

If you call me, I'll f%$&ing stab you!

Greeen___Girl struggles with the concept of "allure." She begins:

"Ok, so I figure I have to write something here, and write something that is not mundane. I am a ****, I am picky, I hate short guys, bad teeth and smokers. Lol, is that eye catching or what? Actually I am pretty nice unless you irk me or piss me off and then I am not so nice."

As I attempt to read the rest of her profile, I keep coming back to those four little asterisks and wondering which obscenity she meant them to stand for. I mean, even in the crazy, topsy-turvy world of, no one starts out describing themselves by saying "I am a shit," right? You can't do that, no matter how crazy you are. "I am a fuck" doesn't make a lot of sense, nor does it bode much better as an enchanting descriptor. Based on the context of her paragraph, I'm going to go ahead and assume she left off an asterisk and meant to say, "I am a bitch." Come hither, indeed!

Almost absurdly, we have something in common; neither of us like

 "I am intelligent, funny and overall a great catch. So why am I single. It has nothing to do with myself, actually it is all the absurd fellas on here. If I were to find a conventional one maybe I could get off of this dreadful site."

Now, as a single man who occasionally peers at and publicly ridicules his matches, I do appreciate the irony of what I'm about to suggest, but I feel rather strongly that in this case, the fact that she's still single has less to do with "the absurd fellas on here" and more to do with the fact that she equates being "a bitch" with being "a great catch." Or maybe I'm just absurd. Let's read on.

She describes her exercise habits (which are INTENSE!!!) and then goes through the inevitable list of things she loves, followed by the things she dislikes.

"I dislike talking on the phone, stalkers, harassment, smoking, ignorant people, and animal abuse. Yes I said I dislike the PHONE that means I do not want you to call me I would much rather talk by email, text or even snail mail. It doesn't matter who you are, ask my mother I call her once a month and talk to her daily by text. Its just me :)"

Well, darling, I do believe that you have effectively removed all possibilities of anybody calling you on the phone. But I hope you find the right guy one day, one who's looking for a righteous bitch, one who sees you as the catch you really are, who's not one of those hate-able short guys, and who really needs a royal pain the ass.

Her tagline reads (I swear): "My knight and shiney armor."

I'm going to let Msjiggly____ speak for herself:

"I am a lady I am down to earth and I speak my mind I also like to cook I am sexy I like to draw write poetry and I like to sang and dance.... I am looking for a man potential a good head on his shoulders yes and sexy and in amazing lover no big fat it forehead it dudes,no ugly dudes,no fat or becoming fat dudes,bald dudes,short dudes,wearing glasses 24hour dudes,ewwwwwha so grossa :-/ you're not allowed don't even think about it.I want a man that knows how to treat and talk to a lady.. he must know what he want in and out of life he has to drive in have a car and an amazing lover he must be tall he must know how to dress. He also has to be a gentleman, and romantic and seductively freaky.. I'm not here to waste my time.I want a man not a little boy."

If you're looking for a man with a car, who isn't fat or bald, doesn't wear glasses and is "seductively freaky." I'm guessing you're looking for this:

My lips to yours (no, not you, Carrot Top).

PS. My cat is still with us.