Wednesday, April 6, 2011

More Matches from

This time I decided not to be a shallow pig and make fun of other people's pictures (though it's really fun, you should give it a try); instead I'll take aim at the self-descriptions my "matches" have left for me to peruse.

Puppylove874 lists her interests as follows: "dating, hugging, doggies, entertaining, hair." She goes on to note, "I love eating, drinking, partying and my two dogs." Gee thanks,! It sounds like we'd have a great time together discussing her hair, her dogs, what parties she likes to go to, her dogs, what the best kind of hugging is, and her dogs, too!

Mdblueyez is an interesting character. She sports many tattoos that look like they were drawn during a kindergarten finger-painting lesson and she is morbidly obese. The first line of her "About Me" section reads, "NOT LOOKING FOR JUST SEX OR CASUAL ENCOUNTERS... Does nobody get to know someone else before jumping in bed with them? I mean seriously, wtf?" Well, Mdblueyez, I hope you're happy. You've ruined my day. When I saw the tattoos, I immediately took you for the type who would let me come to your house, and after introducing myself, let me make violent love to one or more of your chins. Congratulations. You've won this round.

Funshiner chose a profile name that implies that she enjoys getting black eyes. But what's in a name? Let's see who she thinks she really is. She claims to be "a 29 year old professional female who enjoys getting down!" I seriously cannot wait to see what her definition of "getting down" is. Let's find out. She continues, "... watching the science/history/military channels, catching up on my sci-fi stories..." Ah yes, there it is! Get DOWN, Funshiner! She also goes on to note that she likes knitting fleece hats and that "the biggest thing about me right now... is that I'm very overweight." (That was her ellipses, not mine.) Funshiner, if you aren't just a big ol' tub o' Man Bait, then you can call me Peggy Sue! 
[Editor's note: the author of this blog will now respond to the name Peggy Sue during any future correspondence.]

Lilbitren gets right to the point. "I am awesome and fun and great in bed. I listen to awesome music and I kick ass." She forgot to mention that she is not so awesome at describing herself and the things she likes. She awesomely fails to elaborate on what makes her so awesome so I'll just have to take her at her awesome word for it. Unfortunately for me she prefers "tall, manly men who build things and fix things." I am nowhere near that awesome. 

Pookey1615 is a mother of two and considers herself quite the comedian. "I don't know how I do it, but I come up with some funny shit, its a mix of dry humor, to dumb stuff that still gets people to laugh." Yes, I'm sure you're basically the female version of Ricky Gervais from Middle River. Your teased bangs could be a good sight gag, too! She may also be out of my league being that she wants potential suitors to know that she "don't do stupid, jerks, conceited or jealous types." Pookey1615, you'll always be the one that got away.

To all of the beautiful, intelligent women from the Baltimore area on

My lips to yours!


  1. There is absolutely nothing wrong with dorking out with history films and scifi stories. Nothing. Unless you're fat too.

  2. Nothing wrong with dorking out at all, but if it's "dorking out" it ain't "getting down." There's a difference.