Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Ninja Pooping

[Note: Yes, this blog post is about pooping and Ninjas. If you are offended by either poop or Ninjas, please discontinue reading. Now you can continue about your horribly boring business and whatever it is you do that makes you think you're somehow "above" feces and/or the deadly arts.]

As you may or may not know, in addition to my Lube duties, I work fairly frequently at BWI Airport. The details of my employment there are rather inconsequential, save for the fact that I have acquired a very interesting and rather brag-able skill: I am AWESOME at pooping at the airport.

I know some of you may be thinking that you, too, have pooped at the airport and thought nothing of it. And there's a reason for that. When YOU poop at the airport, it really is nothing special. When I poop at the airport, I'm a goddamn Ninja.

In order to have a successful airport pooping experience, one must realize that you can't simply waltz into the nearest restroom, cop a squat and drop your load. That simply won't do. There are many factors, both human and environmental, which must be taken into consideration.

First, your choice of bathroom must not be in a well trafficked area. Yes, you just got off a 5 hour flight from Tuscon. No, that does not mean you can drown a Cleveland Brown at the first bathroom on the way to baggage claim and consider it a success. You've done no recon. You have no idea what lies in front of you. You have just violated the first Rule of the Ninja, "Know Your Surroundings."

This means you must be aware of your bathroom options. The first option might seem like the best option, especially in the wake of an airplane dinner of beef stroganov with some nice, minty turbulence for dessert. However, your first option is the worst option, being that so many people are choosing it with you. Even if you found what appears to be clean stall, the likelihood of one or more undesirable things happening to you increases exponentially. This includes (but is not limited to):
1) Sitting on a very warm seat.
2) Having a dad bring loud, unruly, concentration-breaking children into the bathroom and simply ruining your day.
3) Having that friendly businessman you met on the plane choose the stall next to yours and listening to him bury his truffles from 20 inches away.
4) Making someone else trying to choose a stall listen to your one-man dixieland stinky band.
5) HAVING SOMEONE KNOCK ON THE DOOR. Like, what do they expect you to say? "I'm pooping, try again later?" "Come in?" "Why yes, Andre, I'll have the veal picatta?"

So, the first bathroom is out.

"OK, Mr. Smartyninja, at which porcelain bank am I supposed to deposit my check if not the first branch I see?"

I'm glad you asked.

My first suggestion is to turn from whatever direction the masses are headed and go the other way. There are bathrooms everywhere in the airport. You can often find them tucked away in a quiet corner at the end of the pier, with little to no traffic. And here's the beautiful part: ALL of the bathrooms have to be cleaned at the same frequency. This means that the quiet little bathroom down the corridor that doesn't get 1/4 the use that the one by security gets, is cleaned just as often. Like I said, "Know Your Surroundings."

The second Rule of the Ninja is possibly more important than the first, though the principle remains the same. "Know Thine Enemy." Who is your enemy? ALL HUMANS. For a truly successful airport poop, one must have complete privacy. I mean COMPLETE. How can this be accomplished at a busy airport? First, by following the first Rule. Second, by understanding the motivations of the enemies surrounding you. Keep a sharp eye for airport pooping muggles who have wandered into low traffic areas and distract them by dropping a magazine with Zach Effron on the cover, or spilling a drink on the corridor floor and pretend to not notice. This will exasperate the muggle and (more importantly) draw the muggle away from the bathroom to the middle of the corridor, allowing you time to slip into the bathroom undetected and strike.

[There is only one exception to the second Rule of the Ninja, known as the "Hindu Cow Dispensation." The airport janitorial staff are not to be distracted from their work under any circumstances, your bowel movements included. You may be required to practice the Zen art of "Holding It" while said janitorial staff completes their sacred mission, but the reward is worth it. Just remember to focus on your breathing, not the integrity of your sphincter.]

If you can master the first two rules, the third Rule of the Ninja should easily follow: "Be Invisible." Reconnaisance, deception, speed. These are the keys to pooping invisibly at the airport. You do not have time to play games on your cell phone, read your newspaper or contemplate anything but completing the mission beneath you, or you risk ruining all that you have worked for. In an out with lightning effectiveness. This is your task.

There will of course, be a time or two when the Stroganov will not allow a lightning approach to your airport poop. This makes the third Rule of the Ninja all the more important because you then have only one hope for a successful airport plunk: the single-toilet family bathroom. Accessing the family bathroom is easy if you time your entry just right, when no airport employees, parents, or children are in sight. The issue at hand is that if a dirty-diapered family walks by while you're wrestling with a muddy anaconda in a forbidden zone, your cover is blown. Because they'll wait. I've seen this situation start fights. They'll wait for you to exit, at which point I recommend feigning mental illness or possibly sneaking out through the drop ceiling above you. Otherwise, you're into an argument with an angry bear and her cubs, and lets face it, you deserve it. You just violated the third Rule of the Ninja.

Happy pooping, travellers.


  1. It is only reasonable to have this topic follow the "Anal Game"

  2. Steve Czaban reduces this entire post to two words:

    At the airport, you're looking to get a "road win."

  3. Precisely. And that applies to both of you.