Thursday, April 28, 2011

Plentyoffish: The Saga Continues

Ok, so it's not so much a saga as it is me making fun of innocent people again, but I like the word saga, so I'm sticking with it. I'm going to stop using their real pictures, but will instead attempt to find pictures of actual fish that seems to correspond with their, well, sparkling personalities. Here goes:

I love lamp! A big lamp!
FreeFalling122 loves absolutely everything, especially the word "big." Her profile begins, "I love life." Well that's just awesome. Seems like everyone else out there these days is totally into murder and genocide, so aren't you just a rejuvenating breath of fresh air? After some mindless pattering about life being "too short" and some god-awful schlock about taking risks, she seemingly turns into a retarded third grader and starts to list the things she loves, beginning with the basics: family, friends, exercise and coffee. Boredom racks my body as I read on. She continues her list (in order: laughing, Blue Moon, snuggling, the beach, hiking, sleeping with the window open, seeing live music, and movies) to the point where I was concerned that much like a song by Air Supply, she'd run fresh out of love.

But no.

She also loves "guys with big hearts... a big laugh and a big heart." My heart is obviously not big enough for you FreeFalling122, but you just keep on loving stuff (...tooth aches, losing your keys, painful urination...).

"I love it when you rub my tummy."
MsKiki289 looks, at first glance, like she gets her thrills on Blueberry Hill, beating the living shit out of anyone who gets in her way. But soon she shows that she has a softer side. Her profile begins, "well, I like to run and jump and play and I love it when you rub my tummy." One can only hope for an explanation of this befuddling introduction and boy howdy, she gives one. "Oh wait thats sounds like man's best friend lol. Well im man's best friend but I only have two legs =( but at least they are sexy! =)." I'm not sure what's more alarming here. The fact that she infers that she likes being treated like a dog, or the fact that her emoticons infer that she's upset that she ONLY HAS TWO LEGS! I'm scared to read on, but for you, gentle reader, I will persevere. 

The very next line reads, "Hi im kiki and my sister is also on this site her name is mizz nisha so if you are writing her please do not send me a message although sharing is caring, we don't like to share men. Thank you for understanding." Alright, MsKiki289, I've had enough. If I can't also date your sister, there's absolutely no way I'm going spend my time and money on Alpo, flea collars, taking you for walks, and trips to the vet. I don't care how excited you get when I come home from work.

"I might not be pretty, but I sure as hell won't apologize for smoking."
Aries4784 is not comfortable with the whole idea of "selling herself," and for good reason. She begins, "I may not be the most beautiful, or the sexiest, nor do I have the perfect body." That's not a good start, but go on. "Yes unfortunately I picked up the bad habit of smoking years back. I won't lie about it and I am not going to explain or apologize for it." Well, even if she's not the best looking, she is charming as all get out. And she's adventerous, too! She would eventually like to "go somewhere that involves needing a passport." Aries4784, if we were married we'd definitely honeymoon somewhere that involves needing a passport! Like Mogadishu, or Pyongyang!

She goes on to describe herself as "a nice person 99% of the time." I don't know about you, but all that does is make me wonder about that missing 1%. What is she then? A rabid dog? I think I may have found MsKiki289's sister! I guess I could put up with the smoking after all.

"I hate commas cuz commas look like little fishhooks!"
Babigurlniki1 describes herself as "down to earth i do not have time for games or lies." She also does not seem to have time for punctuation, but who does these days? Life is fast paced, and slowing down for commas is in no one's best interest, least of all the interests of Babigurlniki1, who wants potential suitors to know how much she loves football and run-on sentences. " I love all aspects of the game whether its watching it on tv or at the stadium or playing wit friends i have to say im not that good but i try but i am good at bowling mini gold shooting pool and soft ball."

Great Babigurlniki1 you seem like a great catch maybe we can watch football together then go bowling you could give me pointers then mini gold shooting pool whatever that is see you could even introduce me to new games I'm adventurous like that what a great team we could be eventually we'll even learn to end sentences with appropriate frequency my lips to yours!

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