Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Stats and Such

Back in April, My Lips to Yours! reached it's 1000th page view after existing for about a year. In the past 30 days, it has been visited 1,100 times and I now have over 3000 page views. Pretty cool, huh?

Since the inception of My Lips to Yours!, my most visited post so far has been the Food Network Drinking Game, followed closely by the first half of my review of Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus. 

After the United States, the countries that frequent this humble blog the most are: Canada, the UK, Australia, Germany, the Netherlands, Singapore, Russia, France, and Japan.

The google searches which most commonly lead readers to my blog are: "giada de laurentiis husband," "food network italian," "food network hosts," "kickball team names," and "aviator car."

I have earned $2.06 from 2 people clicking ads on my blog. It would be really sweet if you and your friends clicked the ads either in the blogs themselves (like this one for ESPN's really awesome series, 30 for 30) or the one on the side bar to your right.

Start clicking, gentle readers. And as always...

My lips to yours.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

The Things They Love at

I'm back, gentle readers, I'm back. And once again it is time to delve into the self-descriptions of the lovelorn ladies at One of my favorite things about reading the profiles of these oh-so-desirable women is the seemingly endless list of things they profess to love in this crazy, mixed-up world. Let's take a peek at the things that enrapture the hearts of these overly hopeful fishers of men.

Jackie_______281 is pretty much the standard when it comes to stating blatantly obvious things to love: laughing, spending time with friends, music (all kinds!), and animals (especially dogs). This information is extremely useful to guys who really wanted to weed out all those extremely morose girls who love crying, staying away from friends, hearing music of any kind and who like being mean to household pets.
The only thing she's missing from her "lovelist" that's common amongst plentyofffishers is "loving life." I always hate it when they say that because I'm typically only interested in dating dead women.

My children are hungry, but I need to RIDE!

Cap_____08 offers a rather arbitrary list of things she loves, which alarmingly does not include her three children. However, "motorcycles, tattoos, dancing, football, hockey, beaches, boats, jet skis, hanging out with friends" and "taking pics" make her love-list. I wonder what things are like at Cap_____08's house...
"Mommy, can we go to the library today?"
"You can shut the hell up while Mommy gets a new tattoo today, that's what you can do!"
"But Mommy, we need to learn how to read!"
"You don't need to know how to read to have awesome tattoos and ride jet skis! Now get back in your cage, the hockey game is on!"
Just sets your heart a-twitter, doesn't it?

Surprise! I'm boring!

Based on what she claims to love (working out and belonging to XSport Fitness) and her profile pictures, you'll be perfectly happy when Tar_________2011 finally tells you she loves you. That is, if your definition of "love" is something more akin to "extreme neglect." She also loves college basketball, watching movies and watching the same movies over and over. Judging by her pictures, she loves watching basketball and movies a LOT more than she loves belonging to a gym.
She also loves working in her yard, the smell of freshly cut grass and surprises.
Surprise, Tar_________2011! I fell asleep reading your profile!

My lips to yours. I love saying that.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Ten Steps for Writers Trying to Get Published for the First Time

The most difficult thing about writing is how do you get published when no one knows who you are because you've never been published before? And who wants to read what you've written? The answer is, of course, no one but your mother and she might be jiving, too. But that should not deter you, burgeoning writer, in any way! Because here are all the steps you need to getting published for the first time. Follow these ten simple steps to success and then take my 5 week program for just $800.00. I guarantee I'll make more money if you do. 

Step 2: Have FAMOUS published works already out there. Step 1 just won't do without Step 2. 
Step 3: Stop writing whatever it is YOU are writing and write something good for once.
Step 4: Be an international superstar. Adherence to this may seem like you can skip steps 1-3, but you still have to be previously published and stop what you are writing and write something good for a change in order to get published for the first time. 
Step 5: Send in articles to out of your league periodicals such as the New YorkerThe New York Times, or The Fuck You, This is a New York Periodical, Not Some Podunk Rag From San Diego Monthly. Do this so they can laugh at you.
Step 6: Sell yourself to a publisher. You do this by accomplishing steps 1-5, then writing about it in an engaging way that sounds like you're not bragging but instead, sounds like the earth would start spinning backwards at your written behest. If you are unable to accomplish this, try selling yourself physically. Remember to relax your jaw.
Step 7: Be sure your manuscript leaps off the publisher's desk. Try attaching small but powerful robotic legs to the bottom of it, so it can literally spring off the desk and into her face. Maybe slip some bandaids in between the pages of your manuscript in case the robotic legs thing goes awry.
Step 8: Know someone who knows someone way more awesome than you and the person you know combined times 1000. It always helps to get advice from someone who doesn't know you and who slopped into a writing career because they have a spikey haircut or always wear headphones around their necks. They'll tell you what you need to do is to be more awesome and if you can't accomplish that, go out and buy some dope headphones.
Step 9: Launch a personal blog or website which attracts 40,000,000 people per week who are just fawning over how awesome you are. It should be about something no one has ever heard of before, but everyone now wishes they thought of first, and should include more pictures and video than writing: something like Cat Racecar Drivers or Pigeons with Boxing Gloves.
Step 10: Maintain a positive outlook. Because there are so many reasons to be positive about trying to become a writer. 

My lips to yours.