Friday, December 23, 2011

The (not so) Frugal Drinking Game!

I've previously written about my love of watching the Food Network because of all the scary, douchebaggy, and bat-shit crazy cooking show hosts who regale us with tales of culinary techniques both foreign and domestic. They certainly are a delight, and if they ever fail to amuse, there are always good drinking games to be played while watching their shows to lighten the mood and wobble your gait.

Recently, though, I've been watching youtube clips of some of the cooking show hosts from the days of yore.

 Justin Wilson, better known to most as the "Ah Gahr-Uhn-TEE" Cajun guy, is always entertaining, but in an old timey sort of way.

He also makes some pretty good food, though it's certainly not as flashy as the modern hosts. I recently made the recipe found in the video above (minus the chicken gizzards) and it was delicious.

But my search led me to a fella I'd largely forgotten about, Jeff Smith, "The Frugal Gourmet."

Oh, boy is this guy something else! He is rather tough to describe. He was a sweet old poop, and at the same time, a raging maniac. He pronounces "water" with about four h's before the first syllable (i.e. "hhhhwater") and "peanuts" as if it were a homonym of "penis." He also burns himself with alarming regularity. He has a massive case of attention deficit disorder and frequently pronounces a dish "done," "ready," or "ready to go" up to five times before he's finished adding ingredients. He frequently starts a story or recipe and begins a different story or recipe before the one he started is remotely finished. There are so many gaffes, foul-ups and nonsensical banter you won't believe it.

The above is a great example of what I'm talking about as well as a good starting point for my next cooking show drinking game, "The (not so) Frugal Drinking Game." I'll add some more good clips at the end (I've been bored recently) but here are the rules which you can mix and match at your discretion, but don't try too many at once:

1) 1 drink for every time he can't find an ingredient or utensil.
2) 1 drink for every time he clangs the cookwear obnoxiously loud.
3) 1 drink for every time he starts but fails to finish a sentence.
4) 2 drinks for every time he burns himself.
5) 2 drinks for every time he shows you previously prepared food, but forgets to inform you how to make it.
6) 3 drinks for every time he does the opposite of what he talks about.
7) 3 drinks for every time he declares his own food that he's just prepared to be "awful."
8) 4 drinks for every time he tells you to count to an irrelevant number to properly time the cooking of your food.
9) 4 drinks for every time he implores you to buy something that "costs a fortune."
10) 5 drinks for every time he shows you food he hasn't previously discussed.

Feel free to play with the rules or add your own, but be prepared to start giving your children Adderall at every meal to avoid turning out like this man.

And as promised, here are some more clips to play with, and as always, my lips to yours.

Here, the Frugal Gourmet discusses how we need to eat LESS beef and cooks several pounds of BRISKET!

Here, ol' Jeff shows you how to cook that classic FRENCH dish, "Sauerkraut and Weenies!" C'est magnifique, non? 

Here, the nutty old coot dishes on Biafra!

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Not to Beat a Dead Horse but...

... I just wanted to follow up on my last post. The "Meet Me" function at, as I previously noted, is intended to "dramatically improve" my dating matches. Last time, we took a look at the very first person about whom they offered me the question, "do you want to meet her?" Didn't turn out so hot. 

Now the relationship wizards at the finest dating site zero dollars can buy a subscription to have alerted me that someone out there (and by "out there" I mean in a DIFFERENT F-ING STATE) saw a certain someone's profile, checked the "Yes" box next to that certain someone's name, and wants to meet yours truly! Well that sure didn't take long,! Let's see who the lucky, inquisitive lil' hottie is, shall we?


Blue eyes, butterflies and Bingo-wings: these are a few of my favorite things!

Blue___2010 is a buxom out of towner who wants to get to know me, of all people. ME! Well it's good that one of the two things she lists as her interests is "texting," because we'll need good texting skills being that we live NOWHERE NEAR EACH OTHER. has this dating thing down to a science, don't they? 

Now, gentle readers, I am sure you are wondering, what could this lovely, vivacious, young debutante possibly list as her other interest? I mean, she digs texting, what else could there possibly be? Well take one good look at the picture above and I'll bet you'll figure it out on your own. Got it yet? That's right! It's "going to the gym!" And as you can see, it's working! 

Now that I know she's both interesting AND fit, I'm more inclined to start a long distance relationship. Let's see how she describes herself, shall we? She lists her body type as "a few extra pounds," but honestly, you can barely tell. She says she's "a fun loving country girl" and the mother of a five year old boy. She likes swimming, bowling, and cookouts, and she can't stand liars. An avid Steeler's fan, she says she is also "working on my figure." If she works any harder she might explode! You know, from all the exercise. 

However she is not looking for someone who "plays games," which for me, is kind of a deal breaker. I love playing games. Games like, "Go for a Walk Once in Your Life" and "Put the Goddam Cheeseburger Down." Sorry, Blue___2010. I guess I'm a bit too playful for you. 

My lips to yours.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

"Meet Me" at Plentyoffish

Please do not read too much into the title of this post. I am not asking anyone to go to our favorite dating website so that we can meet and get a deeper understanding of why you list tattoos, football and huffing freon as the things you love, but fail to mention any of your nine children.

No, gentle readers, I am here today to inform you of a new feature at called "Meet Me," which they contend will "dramatically improve your matches." I think my readership (all six of you) knows me well enough to know that when says that there is a way to "dramatically improve" my matches that I just won't be able to help myself. And so I click on...

And I know this is mean. I shouldn't use people's real pictures. But I have to. I just have to. Out of my desire to "dramatically improve" my matches, I clicked the "Meet Me" button for the very first time and this sultry young vixen's picture pops up.

I could be wrong, but I think she lives in the shed behind her in this picture.

Above her picture is a caption which, presumably, she herself has written. It is a three-word caption which reads (I swear, I am not making this up) "sad and lonely."

THANK YOU, PLENTYOFFFISH.COM! Thank you for dramatically improving my matches! What a big step up from the witches, ogres and hags you typically offer me as potential girlfriend material! Way to go!

At this point, offers me several choices. At the top of the page, they ask, "Do You Want to Meet Her?" And then, because the subtle art of dating has not progressed one iota since I was in middle school, they offer three boxes I can click on. They read, "Yes," "No," and "Maybe." As I can't actually bring myself to click on one of these and alert the winner of the 1978 Miss Test Tube Mishap contest as to whether or not I want to meet her, I look for other options and find that I can choose to view her profile. As I am finishing this paragraph I have yet to click on that option so that I can bring you, gentle reader, along with me on what is likely to be an enlightening adventure.

Here we go.

There isn't much I can see without being an "upgraded member" at, but what I can see is, well, unsettling. She's 33, likes hiking, bowling, baseball and country music. So far so good, but she then goes on to describe herself in her "About Me" section. Again, I swear that this is an actual quote (name changed).

"Hi my name is Allison.

I have been hurt so many times, I have been stabbed and lied to. I am looking for friendship and see where it goes."

May I confide in you, gentle readers? I totally have a thing for stab wounds. They really rev my engines.

WHAT THE HOLY LIVING SHIT!!!???  I've seen people on dating websites mention that they've been hurt in relationships before. Ok, fair enough, but STABBED? And the fact that "stabbed" is in such close proximity to "lied to" in that sentence, it seems that she equates the two. As if, "no, baby, I was just out having a few drinks with the boys" and "steak knife to the trapezius" are pretty much the same thing.

And I am not one to make light of domestic violence, I'm really not. If she was indeed stabbed, that's a horrible thing. But why on God's Blue Orb would you put that information on a dating website? I mean, I've had some bad dates before. (Did I tell you the one where I shit my pants getting into the car on a date and had to drive 4 miles before dropping her off at a store and had to go to a Subway restaurant bathroom, discard my underpants, throw my khakis in a dumpster and change into a pair of jeans I'd clairvoyantly left in the backseat of my car before rejoining my date at the store? Yep. That happened.) But I rather conveniently choose not to share it with potential romantic interests.

Perhaps I should, though. Perhaps it would dramatically improve the chances of some lucky lady out there, hoping to reel in one hell of a catch.

My lips to yours.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Just Like That

This post is dedicated to the best Italian boobs in the business and the freakishly large head that perches above them.

Name: Giada de Laurentiis (pronounced DEE-lar-en-tees, unless Giada herself is saying it, in which case it probably sounds more like deh-laurlllerrelleelerr-en-teahhhhhhseehh).

Age: Old enough to know how to "work it" and be slightly terrifying at the same time.

Signature dish: Fresh Pasta Rollatini with Spinach and Ricotta. She only likes this dish because it takes her an hour and a half to pronounce it in her bullshit Italian accent.

Favorite ingredients: Anything she can get away with over-enunciating.

Head size she emulates: Megamind

Favorite animal: The great white shark. Wait...

...Oh there it is. Sometimes I can't tell them apart.

Signature cocktail: Whatever this is, it doesn't have nearly enough rohypnol to put me at ease around this woman.

Signature cooking technique: Adding lemon zest to ANYTHING. If she goes to a baseball game, Giada will put lemon zest on her hot dogs and crackerjacks.

Most difficult part about watching her show: Trying to decide if this woman frightens me or turns me on and realizing that these two things might not be mutually exclusive. Paging Dr. Freud!

If you're wondering about the title to this post, watch an episode of her show and take a sip of beer every time she says the phrase, "just like that," while demonstrating how to, say, add salt to a bowl, then see if you can walk straight after 30 minutes. Five bucks says you can't.

My lips to yours

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Plentyoffish: They're at it again!

I'm back, gentle readers. I morbidly peered at my profile today and took a good, hard look at the beautiful, interesting women who had clicked on me as they cast their proverbial lines into the murky waters of internet dating. Let's see if I should take the bait, shall we?

Here's Zi***ra, the last lady to view my profile. 

White's Only! Never mind that I'm Hispanic!
And here, more literally, is what she has to say about herself (this is verbatim):


Note the interesting use of MOSt CAPS. Really adds a nice zest to her profile. Fortunately for me, I'm white! Unfortunately for her, I don't want "one beautiful family." I'd prefer like, 7 or 8 ugly families. Time to head into deeper waters.

K**86's profile is too long to fit into this post and her boobs are too large to fit into a single picture. But here are snippets of both. 

There are many things you can't tell about me just from seeing my boobs.
Here are some things K**86 lists as "general things" about her. Her profession is "Johns hopkins" (yet another random capitalizer) and she is working towards her Associates degree from Harford County Community College. She continues, "I am a huge football, and hockey fan!" 

Though I'm not usually interested in dating footballs, I am intrigued by really large footballs who love hockey so I read on in a section weirdly labeled, "A few things you probably couldn't tell by looking at me." It's almost as if (from reading her "general things" section) at one glance you would immediately know that she Johns hopkinses for a living. But here are some of those things you apparently couldn't gather from looking this huge football or her huge boobs:

"I love tattoos! I have 4 of my own!" Is it just me, or is this the ONE thing you COULD tell by looking at you, K**86? Oh well, I won't quibble. I'm not much of a quibbler. Go on.

"Music is my world! I'm mostly a alternative kind of girl but I pretty much listen to everything." Excellent! I'd love a alternative girl who listens to everything! I've got some German-Turkish Polka, Himalayan scream singing, and a 14-hour long boxed set of fat people sitting on pies! We could put that on at dinner then slow dance to it until the sun comes up. Mmm, mmm.

"I am extremely close to my parents, as well as my family." Sorry? In addition to being close to your parents, you are also close to your family? Too bad, my sweet, large-breasted football. I refuse to date someone who doesn't recognize their parents as "family," no matter how close you are to them. I shall look elsewhere.

Sistermozart**** also viewed my profile recently.

I look about average, right?
She is 5'0", perfectly round, lists her body type as "average" and enjoys "photography quilting." I was going to make fun of her for her grammatical gaffe, but I read on to find out that "I also combine photography and quilting together to make my own very special quilts." It makes me wonder if she also combines cooking with ritual pagan animal slaughter and I am suddenly very afraid. VERY afraid.

And so I will swim on, gentle readers, and find murkier waters with more fun, colorful fish. 

Until then, my lips to yours.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Half Asleep in the Kitchen

This post is dedicated to Ambien addicts everywhere.

Name: Ina Garten. AKA, "The Barefoot Contessa." She might be royalty in the Hamptons, but let's face it, NO ONE wants to see her feet.

Age: Too old for popped collars, that's for sure.

Favorite Ingredient: GOOOOOD Vanilla, and lots of it.

Favorite Food Network Revolution: Actually MEASURING her ingredients!!!

Activity Anyone Would LEAST Like to Engage in with Ina Garten: Attending one of her insomnia-curing parties!

The Only Gay Man She Won't Party With: Her husband, Jeffrey.

Style She Emulates: Morticians (but with a popped collar for flair).

Signature Cocktail: The only Bloody Mary on Earth that requires the use of a FOOD PROCESSOR!

My lips to yours!

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Stats and Such

Back in April, My Lips to Yours! reached it's 1000th page view after existing for about a year. In the past 30 days, it has been visited 1,100 times and I now have over 3000 page views. Pretty cool, huh?

Since the inception of My Lips to Yours!, my most visited post so far has been the Food Network Drinking Game, followed closely by the first half of my review of Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus. 

After the United States, the countries that frequent this humble blog the most are: Canada, the UK, Australia, Germany, the Netherlands, Singapore, Russia, France, and Japan.

The google searches which most commonly lead readers to my blog are: "giada de laurentiis husband," "food network italian," "food network hosts," "kickball team names," and "aviator car."

I have earned $2.06 from 2 people clicking ads on my blog. It would be really sweet if you and your friends clicked the ads either in the blogs themselves (like this one for ESPN's really awesome series, 30 for 30) or the one on the side bar to your right.

Start clicking, gentle readers. And as always...

My lips to yours.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

The Things They Love at

I'm back, gentle readers, I'm back. And once again it is time to delve into the self-descriptions of the lovelorn ladies at One of my favorite things about reading the profiles of these oh-so-desirable women is the seemingly endless list of things they profess to love in this crazy, mixed-up world. Let's take a peek at the things that enrapture the hearts of these overly hopeful fishers of men.

Jackie_______281 is pretty much the standard when it comes to stating blatantly obvious things to love: laughing, spending time with friends, music (all kinds!), and animals (especially dogs). This information is extremely useful to guys who really wanted to weed out all those extremely morose girls who love crying, staying away from friends, hearing music of any kind and who like being mean to household pets.
The only thing she's missing from her "lovelist" that's common amongst plentyofffishers is "loving life." I always hate it when they say that because I'm typically only interested in dating dead women.

My children are hungry, but I need to RIDE!

Cap_____08 offers a rather arbitrary list of things she loves, which alarmingly does not include her three children. However, "motorcycles, tattoos, dancing, football, hockey, beaches, boats, jet skis, hanging out with friends" and "taking pics" make her love-list. I wonder what things are like at Cap_____08's house...
"Mommy, can we go to the library today?"
"You can shut the hell up while Mommy gets a new tattoo today, that's what you can do!"
"But Mommy, we need to learn how to read!"
"You don't need to know how to read to have awesome tattoos and ride jet skis! Now get back in your cage, the hockey game is on!"
Just sets your heart a-twitter, doesn't it?

Surprise! I'm boring!

Based on what she claims to love (working out and belonging to XSport Fitness) and her profile pictures, you'll be perfectly happy when Tar_________2011 finally tells you she loves you. That is, if your definition of "love" is something more akin to "extreme neglect." She also loves college basketball, watching movies and watching the same movies over and over. Judging by her pictures, she loves watching basketball and movies a LOT more than she loves belonging to a gym.
She also loves working in her yard, the smell of freshly cut grass and surprises.
Surprise, Tar_________2011! I fell asleep reading your profile!

My lips to yours. I love saying that.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Ten Steps for Writers Trying to Get Published for the First Time

The most difficult thing about writing is how do you get published when no one knows who you are because you've never been published before? And who wants to read what you've written? The answer is, of course, no one but your mother and she might be jiving, too. But that should not deter you, burgeoning writer, in any way! Because here are all the steps you need to getting published for the first time. Follow these ten simple steps to success and then take my 5 week program for just $800.00. I guarantee I'll make more money if you do. 

Step 2: Have FAMOUS published works already out there. Step 1 just won't do without Step 2. 
Step 3: Stop writing whatever it is YOU are writing and write something good for once.
Step 4: Be an international superstar. Adherence to this may seem like you can skip steps 1-3, but you still have to be previously published and stop what you are writing and write something good for a change in order to get published for the first time. 
Step 5: Send in articles to out of your league periodicals such as the New YorkerThe New York Times, or The Fuck You, This is a New York Periodical, Not Some Podunk Rag From San Diego Monthly. Do this so they can laugh at you.
Step 6: Sell yourself to a publisher. You do this by accomplishing steps 1-5, then writing about it in an engaging way that sounds like you're not bragging but instead, sounds like the earth would start spinning backwards at your written behest. If you are unable to accomplish this, try selling yourself physically. Remember to relax your jaw.
Step 7: Be sure your manuscript leaps off the publisher's desk. Try attaching small but powerful robotic legs to the bottom of it, so it can literally spring off the desk and into her face. Maybe slip some bandaids in between the pages of your manuscript in case the robotic legs thing goes awry.
Step 8: Know someone who knows someone way more awesome than you and the person you know combined times 1000. It always helps to get advice from someone who doesn't know you and who slopped into a writing career because they have a spikey haircut or always wear headphones around their necks. They'll tell you what you need to do is to be more awesome and if you can't accomplish that, go out and buy some dope headphones.
Step 9: Launch a personal blog or website which attracts 40,000,000 people per week who are just fawning over how awesome you are. It should be about something no one has ever heard of before, but everyone now wishes they thought of first, and should include more pictures and video than writing: something like Cat Racecar Drivers or Pigeons with Boxing Gloves.
Step 10: Maintain a positive outlook. Because there are so many reasons to be positive about trying to become a writer. 

My lips to yours.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011


Well, gentle reader, the school year is winding down for teachers and students alike and that got me thinking about education in general so I decided to share with you some of my thoughts on the subject by way of a paper I wrote for one of my education courses. I realize this is not my usual, entertaining subject matter, but there are just some days when you can't think of a good poop joke. It's on a topic that really bugs me being that it's an educational standard that I feel is doing a disservice to students. So if you care to, read on, and as always, my lips to yours.

One of the most useful tools in assessment in any discipline, a new teacher is often told, is a well-structured rubric. Rubrics make the job and the life of the teacher easier by saving time in grading, offering clearly defined objectives for students, and removing subjectivity from the assessment process. As author Maja Wilson (2006) notes, rubrics are widely hailed as a “best practice” in education (p. xxi). But are they the best practice for teaching students to be creative? Are they the best practice for engaging multiple intelligences and encouraging students to undergo meaningful, thoughtful, exploration of a given topic? The answer, particularly in writing, is no.

The main problem with the idea of rubrics is that their value is placed in standardizing student writing or more accurately, in the act of standardizing itself. Alfie Kohn (2006) notes that standardizing is admirable in the realm of manufactured goods such as electronics, but does little or nothing to assess a student's comprehension of ideas. Rubrics, he argues, standardize not only student output in writing but also teacher assessment of writing assignments. By removing the inherent human subjectivity in assessing writing, teachers are turned into “grading machines,” not taking into account the overall quality of a writing assignment, but rather only the sum of its parts.

Students, therefore, tend not to produce their most innovative material in writing assignments, ensuring, rather, that the checklists of the rubric, which often place as much or more emphasis on objective portions (spelling, grammar, formatting, etc.) than they do the quality of ideas presented, are met. Kohn cites a work by Linda Mabry whose research concluded that as a result, students who adhered to rubrics achieved higher scores, yet produced “more vacuous writing” (as cited in Kohn, 2006). The obvious inference here is that educators are now placing more emphasis on giving students as large of a probability of achieving a good grade as possible, without regard to the actual quality of the written work.

So if student writing has less quality when following the guidelines of a rubric, why then do educators hold them so dearly as useful educational tools? Wilson suggests that rubrics are alluring because they simplify and objectify that which is complex and subjective. Any English teacher has been though the messy debate of how to assign a grade to something that another teacher could read and grade quite differently, which therefore makes a subjective assignment much more difficult. Rubrics help to solve this issue. In addition, they neaten, for students, the messy task of writing and give organized guidelines to help them through it (2006). Kohn believes them to be a handy tool in justifying grades to parents (2006).

But perhaps the most enticing aspect of the rubric is that it helps to ensure conformity in the classroom; rubrics help teachers teach the same thing the same way to every student. This is the model of American education, one that Sir Kenneth Robinson describes as a “fast food” model (2010). This model of education standardizes the type and quality of education that each student will receive and how they will be assessed. However, Robinson argues that this is an outdated and overall useless model. It is based, he argues, on conformity and linearity and fails to cultivate creativity, passion and innovation in students (2010).

Robinson's solution to the current educational model, is to move away from a model based on (as Kohn also noted) industry and manufacturing, and move to an agricultural model (2010). Teachers of writing should therefore not be handing out an instruction manual for how to write a good, creative paper. To paraphrase Robinson, writing, after all, “is not a mechanical process, it is an organic process” and teachers need to instead of being the manufacturers of quality writing, creativity and innovation, be the “farmers” who cultivate it and provide the conditions around which these things can flourish (2010).

The first time I had ever heard (or remember hearing) the word, rubric, was my first year of teaching English. I had given a descriptive writing assignment which we had been discussing and practicing in class for a week. After giving the assignment, a student asked me when they'd be getting the rubric. It was a nearly automatic response from the student, suggesting that he had gotten used to using rubrics for all or nearly all of his academic career. I, obviously, was not. I had to look up “rubric” in the dictionary.

I was therefore somewhat opposed to the idea of rubrics in the beginning of my teaching career. However, the administration, in order to better be able to explain grades given on papers to parents (a struggle I endured numerous times my first year) “strongly encouraged” my compliance in using them. To my delight, I found that rubrics made my life easier. I stopped having the parent objections to my grades as much. Students generally had better scores on their papers. Grading was much faster and more efficient. However, I rarely received truly excellent writing from my students, the kind that blew me away my first year when I was astonished at how talented some of the students really were.

I realized that this is because I took away the exploratory part of writing from them. I recall one student who had been struggling with an assignment. I worked with her for a few days on it, finally writing down an outline for her and asking her to follow it. She tried, but she couldn't make the paper fit. She went home, threw out my suggestions and wrote the paper on her own, and it turned out to be much better than the suggestions I had given her. I honestly believe it's because she had to fight through it, and figure out the mystery of writing on her own.

And this to me is why we use rubrics. They're easy. They make the student's life easy. They don't have to struggle anymore. Teachers don't have to struggle anymore. And with students receiving good grades, parents obviously believe that their children are good writers. And everyone is happy. Except me. And I know how in the minority I am when it comes to my stance on rubrics.

It's hard to argue with better grades. Better grades mean more finely honed skills, and a larger talent pool. They mean more successful schools, and a higher likelihood of students going to college and being successful there and/or in their professional lives. But I disagree. We are giving grades now to that which is quantifiable, and looking less at that which is subjective. Better grades to me now mean “more able to meet checklists” than “innovative” or “creative, thought-provoking writer.”

With respect to my professor, I would like to look at the rubric for the assignment in which I am currently engaged. Out of a possible 120 points, only 30 points are dedicated to the actual content of the paper, i.e. the depth of thought presented. The rest is dedicated to the mundane: 30 points for having included a summary of the research, 10 points respectively for mechanics and format, and the rest for including such things as title pages, reference pages, and having enough sources. Based on the rubric I received, I could say nothing of value on the topic and still pass the assignment with a 75%. Though this is not the intention of my professor, nor do I believe this assignment to be an exercise in meeting checklist requirements, I did want have a real-life example to illustrate a point.

I believe that rubrics can be useful. I believe they are most useful for the student who is not a gifted writer and needs the guidelines to produce coherent, meaningful writing, but would otherwise be lost, but we cannot treat all students as if they are so. Rubrics do help prevent failure. What they insure in its place is mediocrity. By denying students the possibility of failing, we also deny them the possibility of excelling. Rubrics help to insure a lack of mistakes. They also insure that students do not learn from their mistakes. Instead, they head learning opportunities off at the pass, provide specific instructions on how to not screw up, and bestow benevolent grades on students who have not earned them, but could have if given the opportunity to fail and try, try again.

Kohn, A. (March, 2006). The Trouble with Rubrics. English Journal, vol. 95, no. 4. Retrieved from
Mabry, L. (May, 1999). Writing to the Rubric: Lingering Effects of Traditional Standardized Testing on Direct Writing Assessment. Phi Delta Kappan, vol. 80.
Robinson, K. (February, 2010). Sir Ken Robinson: Bring on the Learning Revolution! [Video file]. Retrieved from (2010, October 9).
Wilson, M. (2006). Rethinking Rubrics in Writing Assessment. Portsmouth, NH: Heinemann.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Time's A-Wastin'!

So the world is supposed to end tomorrow. That's kind of a bummer because there's lots of stuff I have yet to do, and I doubt I can fit it all in (that's what she said!) by then. A lot of it is the usual: go to Paris, skydive, play in a band with a monkey keyboardist... that kind of thing.

But lots of stuff on my list comes from the stuff you see on TV and in movies that happen maybe, if you're lucky, once in a lifetime.

So here it is, folks. Here's my bucket list. And if you can accommodate me on any of these things before tomorrow's Rapture, I'd surely appreciate it.

1) This one's an obvious one. I've never gotten to hang from the landing bar of a helicopter as it pulls me away from danger. I know, why would I want to get into danger in the first place? The answer is simple: to get rescued (barely) by a helicopter. I'm also not sure if this is even possible, that I'd be able to hang onto that bar (one-handed, of course, because obviously I'd have been shot in the other arm) as it speeds away. It seems plenty difficult, but damn if I wouldn't give it a try. I suppose my buddy would have to be there too to say something helpful like, "GIVE ME YOUR HAND!" and pull me up too, or else I'd probably die. And it would be cool if there was beer on the helicopter, so we could have a bearded, bloody brew and celebrate our clandestine hijinks.  (Did I mention I'd also have to be a CIA operative?)

2) I have yet to give a gorgeous blonde a passionate kiss on a rainy railway station platform and tell her I'm no good for her, Bogart-style. I'd tell her that she's better off with him and that one day she'd thank me. Then I'd plant one last zinger right on her lips, then stoically walk away, preferably to a dangerous jungle somewhere in Southeast Asia where I could be rescued by a helicopter (see above).

3) Speaking of stoically walking away, I have yet to blow something up and walk away from the explosion without looking at it. I'm not sure I could do this, either, because as I've never blown anything up, I doubt I could resist the urge to witness a massive explosion. So here's what I'm going to have to do by tomorrow: start blowing stuff up. I'm going to have to get so used to blowing stuff up, that I'll be able to blow up a truck using the ol' dropping a cigarette into the trail of leaking gasoline trick, and just know -- really know, like you know in your soul that your parents love you kind of know -- that there's gonna be an explosion, it's gonna be big, and I've seen it so much I don't even have to look anymore (also what she said). I'd walk away from it like it was nothing, like I was just headed in this direction to grab a diet Coke or something and KaBloom! The truck would be no more and I'd be looking all innocent, sipping a bubbly, icy cold beverage. But I'd know. I'd know.

4) It's hard to believe that after 32 years, I've never punched someone really hard in the face even though sooooo many people have deserved it! I think it's because my brother and I had a pact growing up that all any punches we threw at each other were to be from the shoulder down so Mom couldn't see the bruise. While I learned that a punch to the shin can be effective when someone is cowering beneath you, I've never had the full-on, bare-knuckled pleasure of decking some stupid jerk who was asking for it. So please, if you can, start being rude and obnoxious and say horrible things about my mother (you could also just be Ben Roethlisberger). Then let me punch you in the face. Thanks!

5) I have never had a super cool, Top Gun-esque high five to share with someone every time one of us does something awesome. I think I'd like to start that, even though I've apparently got less than 12 hours to develop the signature high five and start doing things which are awesome. I'd like it to be simple, but a bit more involved than the ridiculously cute snow bunnies pictured above, and not quite as complicated as something Miguel Tejada would come up with. The windmill high five would work, but it's played out. So let's get cracking, here people, time's a wastin'!

If I had to choose the order in which I'd like to do these things, I'd probably kiss the blonde, punch her boyfriend in the face, blow something up that incites a riot, get rescued by the helicopter, then give my chopper buddy our signature high five. Let me know if you can set that up.

My lips to yours.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Proof That Inhaling Too Much Onion Soup Mix Causes Delirium

This post is dedicated to the proud owner of the second best set of boobs on the Food Network.

Name: Sandra Lee. Startlingly similar to Sarah Lee, who has a bevy of fully pre-made foods that Sandra Lee might encourage you to buy. On her cooking show. More on that later.

Age: Unknown

Age of her boobs: Perpetually 23

Signature Dish: Chicken and dumplings, which features a "whole, store-bought roast chicken." This woman's cooking show actually tells you to go buy stuff that's already been cooked. Ingenious, really.

Favorite Ingredient: Onion Soup Mix

Eyebrows She Emulates: Newborn babies.

Signature Tablescape: A repulsive, functionless, Christmas-themed nightmare that becomes increasingly more dangerous with every sugary, vodka-y, Aunt Sandy Cocktail she ingests.

Signature Cocktail: Strawberry Cream Martini (as always, heavy on the vodka, and heavy on the sugar-laden bullshit).

My lips to her boobs.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Douchebaggery Unlimited

This post is dedicated to the Food Network host I love to hate the most.

Name: Guy Fieri (that's pronounced "fee Eddy," and it rhymes with spaghetti)
Age: Too old to look like this, a look he calls "kulinary gangsta." With a "k."

Signature Recipe: Something he brought home in a doggy bag from TGI Friday's.

Hairstyle He Emulates: Anne Burrell because, yeah. She looks terrific.

Kitchen Utensil Line: "Knuckle Sandwich Knives" (Note the douche-y tattoo art on the blades)

Signature Cocktail: The Cabo Wabo Cocktail which features tequila, mangoes, and chili powder. Try chasing it with some muskrat piss.

My lips to yours, but not if you've been drinking one of Guy's cocktails.