Sunday, January 20, 2013

Baltimore is Earl Weaver

Earl Weaver, the legendary manager of the Baltimore Orioles, has passed away. He died, as my brother sarcastically noted, "at the senseless age of 82." But still, this is a very sad event for me. To a lifelong Baltimorean and Orioles fan, Earl Weaver was much more than a successful manager or a sports legend. He was a figurehead for not just the Orioles, but for the city of Baltimore.

Think about it, ye die hard fans of Baltimore sports. What do you take pride in about your teams and your city? Is it that we're the most biggest, brightest or most popular? Is it because are teams are the sexiest, glitziest, and the classiest? Of course not. Baltimore prides itself on its grit, its determination, and its abilities to overcome adversity even when the odds are stacked against us. The Orioles did it this year by making the playoffs for the first time in 15 years. The Ravens are continuing to do it the playoffs now, winning when no one gives them a chance.

But I'm not just talking sports teams, here. This rings true for our teachers, our municipal employees, our police officers, our entrepreneurs,  etc. Everyone here knows that you don't have to be the richest, prettiest or the most glamorous to succeed.

And so it  was with Earl Weaver. He was small and Napoleonic. A full head shorter than most of his players he never let his diminutive stature get in the way of letting everyone know who was in charge. He was a tiny, hard-nosed, in-your-face pit bull of a manager. He could care less about what you thought of him as long as he got his results. And is this not a perfect description of Baltimore?

How do Baltimore fans want to describe their football team? Smashmouth. That's Earl Weaver.

When the Maryland Terrapins won the men's basketball championship in 2002, was it because they were the best team on paper? No, they were underdogs with chips on their shoulders. That's Earl Weaver, too, and that is what made that run with their equally scrappy coach so fun to watch.

Baltimore thrives on being the underdog. We're nestled on the East Coast between the capitol of the United States, and a city that honestly believes it's the capitol of the universe and won't shut up about it. And when people think about other great cities out here, what leaps to their minds isn't Baltimore as much as it is Boston, Philadelphia and Miami. But we don't mind. It makes it that much sweeter to kick your asses.

So you other towns can keep your flashy, overpaid players. Keep your footwear models, and your Guido, frat-boy managers. Keep your inflated payrolls and your supermodel girlfriends. Keep doing ads for insurance and pizzas and razor blades while you watch the playoffs from your couches. And next time you step on the field against Baltimore, remember, you're not just playing the Ravens or the Orioles, you're playing against Earl Weaver, because Baltimore IS Earl Weaver, and Earl Weaver is better than you!


The Ravens are playing the New England Patriots today in the AFC championship game, which pits this guy

against this guy.

Unfortunately for the Ravens, this shoe model happens to be a very talented quarterback, in addition to the really manly fella we see here. So my recommendation to the Ravens is a steady diet of Earl Weaver's playbook.



And the three-run poke.

Earl Weaver, my lips to yours!

Friday, November 16, 2012

Plenty Off-ish, Indeed!

Gentle readers, it's good to be back with you. It has been a while. Since last we communed, I've changed jobs, lost a few pounds and... you're not here to read about me. So let's take a look at off-ish a-plenty women I'm supposed to be the perfect match for, shall we?

I know a sport we can play! It's called, "Wreckin' Ball!"

Jan--small is a 33 year-old high school graduate who doesn't do drugs. Or does she? Part of the profile asks whether or not you do drugs (a charming feature apparently meant to bring meth addicts together). She answered no. But later on she comes clean. "When I said the "Do you do drugs?" I only smoke to unwind and I do not smoke ciggarettes, but can be around those that do. Just being honest...." Aha! You lied when you said the "Do you do drugs!" But thanks for clearing up what the "Do you do drugs" was called. I had trouble putting my finger on that one. 

Other than her occasional pot usage, Jan--small loves the outdoors and run-on sentences. She used to be an athlete (what sport that may have been, God only knows) and can't wait to have kids! "I played sports in high school, more then anything I would love to be a stay at home mom." I'm not sure if I'm ready for that kind of commitment, so I'll have to move on, even if you aren't "the kind to go to town on the first date if you catch my drift." I'm not even sure if I want to catch your drift. Ta ta!

"Don't matter if I got this baby on my hip, I'm not wearing a bra! Not wearing a bra = sexy!"
Wife-Material-- is a 25 year-old mother, student, poet, and animal lover. "I wish I was a millionaire because it would totally go for all the sick abused animals." Or she could buy a bra. But she's a very self-less person, which I like. "I will take the shirt off my back for someone I care for." Great! If you end up caring for me, you can take the shirt off your back for me and I'll be sure to pack an extra bra for you! Or you could just buy a bra. 

When it comes to the kind of man she's looking for, I'm not sure if I'm up her alley. "I like strong , protective , take control kind of man. I like a family man who loves his family. I like older men..... I feel like they know what they want and are mature." Although I love my family, I feel like I might be too immature for you, Wife-Material--. And I don't really feel like carrying a bra around with me every time you're feeling generous. On to open waters!

Would we get along? As long as you reveal nothing about yourself, I think we might!
Lilshorty---- is an enigma wrapped in a severe lack of information. She is a 25 year-old mother of two who lists "working, movies, dinner, road trips" as her interests. She's interested in dinner. Dinner. Not cooking or food pairings. Just dinner. I'm more of a breakfast guy myself, but I'll read on. 

Her "About Me" section reads thus. "Hey my name is **** I'm a 25 year old mother of 2 boys **** and **** I work full Time and like to chill out on my days off I've had bad Luck in the past and hope to one day find a good guy to be in mine and my kids life. So if you think we would get along shoot me a line no perverts please!" If I think we'd get along? Other than the fact that I set the filter on's search features to exclude women with children (moms now seem to comprise over 50% of my matches) how could I possibly know if we'd get along? Oh, wait! We both like to chill out! And you're polite to the perverts and say please when asking them not to contact you! This could be a match made in heaven! If it weren't for your random capitalizations and complete misunderstanding of how to end sentences properly, I think we could chill and be polite to perverts together forever and ever. Quel dommage!

I can spell the word "and" 3 different ways, even though none of them are right!

Sweet--- is a pre-school teacher who should make us all fear for the future. Her idea of a good first date is this. "Wow first date ... I would love to meet up have a great dinner n glass of wine n jus sit in talk n learn each other and hopefully plan our next date." Apparently, this educator speaks to her students only through text messages. Either that, or she never actually speaks in full words. If I were to ask her out on a date I think I'd have to say something like, "hy, bby, y dun we go n git sum wyn in learn bout ech otha an ho to rite wurds 2 ech otha." But that would be exhausting. 

Speaking of which that's enough for now.

My lips to yours!

Monday, July 16, 2012

Some Days, I Wish I Were Carrot Top

It's been a while since we've communed, gentle readers. Life's been good but hectic of late. Not much of a moment to spare peering into the profiles of the gorgeous debutantes at, but on my day off today, I figured I'd let curiosity do what it does best, and hopefully my cat will make it out of this little excursion alive. Just in case, I've put his veterinarian on call.

Without further ado:

You see this face? This is my sexy face!

Court________1020 gets straight to the point.

"Let me start first by saying if your just looking for sex you've come to the wrong place."

And she's right about that! Smart, this one, even though she does still get tripped up by the "your, you're" conundrum, but who doesn't these days?

"I'm looking for something long term, not a one nighter." 

Long term, eh? Have you thought of looking in your county's prisons? As for the one nighter thing, I think you're pretty safe.

"I want something REAL." 

Fair enough. I'll put down the plastic mannequin I was putting together for you in a box marked "Boyfriend Material," and I'll wish you happy hunting.

If you call me, I'll f%$&ing stab you!

Greeen___Girl struggles with the concept of "allure." She begins:

"Ok, so I figure I have to write something here, and write something that is not mundane. I am a ****, I am picky, I hate short guys, bad teeth and smokers. Lol, is that eye catching or what? Actually I am pretty nice unless you irk me or piss me off and then I am not so nice."

As I attempt to read the rest of her profile, I keep coming back to those four little asterisks and wondering which obscenity she meant them to stand for. I mean, even in the crazy, topsy-turvy world of, no one starts out describing themselves by saying "I am a shit," right? You can't do that, no matter how crazy you are. "I am a fuck" doesn't make a lot of sense, nor does it bode much better as an enchanting descriptor. Based on the context of her paragraph, I'm going to go ahead and assume she left off an asterisk and meant to say, "I am a bitch." Come hither, indeed!

Almost absurdly, we have something in common; neither of us like

 "I am intelligent, funny and overall a great catch. So why am I single. It has nothing to do with myself, actually it is all the absurd fellas on here. If I were to find a conventional one maybe I could get off of this dreadful site."

Now, as a single man who occasionally peers at and publicly ridicules his matches, I do appreciate the irony of what I'm about to suggest, but I feel rather strongly that in this case, the fact that she's still single has less to do with "the absurd fellas on here" and more to do with the fact that she equates being "a bitch" with being "a great catch." Or maybe I'm just absurd. Let's read on.

She describes her exercise habits (which are INTENSE!!!) and then goes through the inevitable list of things she loves, followed by the things she dislikes.

"I dislike talking on the phone, stalkers, harassment, smoking, ignorant people, and animal abuse. Yes I said I dislike the PHONE that means I do not want you to call me I would much rather talk by email, text or even snail mail. It doesn't matter who you are, ask my mother I call her once a month and talk to her daily by text. Its just me :)"

Well, darling, I do believe that you have effectively removed all possibilities of anybody calling you on the phone. But I hope you find the right guy one day, one who's looking for a righteous bitch, one who sees you as the catch you really are, who's not one of those hate-able short guys, and who really needs a royal pain the ass.

Her tagline reads (I swear): "My knight and shiney armor."

I'm going to let Msjiggly____ speak for herself:

"I am a lady I am down to earth and I speak my mind I also like to cook I am sexy I like to draw write poetry and I like to sang and dance.... I am looking for a man potential a good head on his shoulders yes and sexy and in amazing lover no big fat it forehead it dudes,no ugly dudes,no fat or becoming fat dudes,bald dudes,short dudes,wearing glasses 24hour dudes,ewwwwwha so grossa :-/ you're not allowed don't even think about it.I want a man that knows how to treat and talk to a lady.. he must know what he want in and out of life he has to drive in have a car and an amazing lover he must be tall he must know how to dress. He also has to be a gentleman, and romantic and seductively freaky.. I'm not here to waste my time.I want a man not a little boy."

If you're looking for a man with a car, who isn't fat or bald, doesn't wear glasses and is "seductively freaky." I'm guessing you're looking for this:

My lips to yours (no, not you, Carrot Top).

PS. My cat is still with us.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Plentyoffish: Latest Matches

Does this even require words? I don't think so. I'm just going to let these pictures and profile descriptions stand for themselves.

Not that it matters, but she's the one on the left.
This is always the hardest part! I love all kinds of things like... RAVENS FOOTBALL,reading, outdoors, camping, boating, the beach, traveling, and much more!!!
I'am very layed back and easy going!Enjoy a night on the couch with a good movie or a night out on the town! I love kids have non of my own but do have neices and nephews!!
I guess I will leave it at this for now and see if it works! Oh and I have 10 tattoos all covered but Im hooked ;)

Come hither? Don't mind if I don't!
Im so down to earth,I love to have fun and just live life to the fullest. My hobbies are I love to cook that is my thing. I love to see my man smiling while eating my cooking. My goals in life is to open my own business,and also go back to school to get my nursing degree. I would say that I am a good female I love to be spontanious and just have fun. I can be serious at times when its needed but I'm usually smiling most of the time . I love music when I listen to r&b and one soul its just so calming. I also love hiphop. But all in all im a good gal that will keep it 100 all the time.

That navel ring is hot! Good thing she's not pregnant... Oh wait...
talking on the phone,chilling with friends, working out. i am 27 and yes i am preg right now .but i am a sweet and caring person .i have 3 kids and they are my world i do have a daughter that is diable. If you don't like me for me then oh well your lost. I love to have fun. If you wan't to know any thing else just send a message.

Um... Gosh I hope she can spell and/or use appropriate grammar when describing  herself!
jeeze these things are tough, but i am going to try to talk about myself lol. My best and favorite hobbies are, movies, reading, writing, playing with my pets, and going to the book store, or local coffee shop, (i dont mean starbucks) I want to be a great novelist and travel around the world, my main places i want to visit is irland, japan, and london so far. But wondering the country and finding the qutie little shops that people over look is great too. what makes me different is i am easy going and not hard to impress, i am very open minded to many things and willing to try it once. I am pretty much a fun person to be around, i can go to horror movies, and comdey and action and not get scared enough to leave, and you dont have to worry about me draging you to a chick flick becuase i dont care much for them. lol. i love all kind of music it doesnt matter somethings i just download the song without knowing the band. if you think i am the right kind of girl for you send me a message

She looks like a happy person. I'm sure she won't sound depressed in her profile! I'm sure of it!
My name is christine. I have 2 kids a boy who lives with hos dad for the time being and my daughter stays with her gma for school. I am tired of playing games. This is going to be rhe last time im on here.


My lips to yours.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Tattoos, Exclamation Points and Sheer Lunacy.

As spring time approaches, the good people at know that love is in the air, so they sent me my latest matches today, from their most esteemed dating service. However, at, love is not the only thing that's in the air. Horrible grammar, coma-inducing introductions, and pictures of ladies who look like failed science experiments fill the proverbial nostrils of the geniuses at our favorite dating website, at which point they happily sneeze them across the internet and directly into my inbox. I suppose this whole analogy makes me the weird kid from grade school who liked to show you his boogers, but I'm okay with that. Let's take a look-see, shall we?

Jenni----30 sure is a looker. She's 30 years old,  5'2" and has an "average body type." She enjoys playing pool, bowling, and country line dancing, and she wants her would-be suitors to know, "I'm looking for someone that serious about wanting to date someone." Are you, now, Jenni? Well, I'm serious about wanting to date someone, but I feel that your captivating hazel eyes and come-hither smile are a bit too much for me. I can get jealous sometimes and I feel that when ever we went out, I'd have to stave off herds of available men as they flock to your beauty. And that puts a lot of pressure on me. And I, for one, don't respond well to pressure.

My next match is a familiar one. Mskiki289, as you'll recall, enjoys being treated like a canine. But she has updated her profile, so let's take a gander at it.

Her profile still contains a "my sister and I don't share men" warning which is... off-putting, but she no longer asks potential suitors to rub her belly and play fetch, so she's making progress. However, what she's apparently looking for in a relationship is a bit odd.

"It would be nice to find someone with a sense of humor, likes to do things together and if you like to play around and wrestle also would be hot. I'm a bit competitive so if you need a workout partner, shooting bows and arrows, gun range, beer pong, golf, friendly race or watching sports together then im your girl." 

Thank God, Mskiki!!! All I've ever wanted out of a relationship is wrestling, a workout partner, shooting bows and arrows, a gun range, beer pong, golf and a friendly race! I'd like to do all of these things at the same time though, if you're up for it. You could wrestle around on my back while shooting a gun, and I'd be shooting a bow and arrow at a beer pong table as I raced around the golf course (in a friendly manner, of course). Please, Mskiki, be my girl!

Midnight----85 is my next match and she is all about her tattoos.

Her entire "About Me" section reads thusly:

"Hi my name is Andrea. I'm 5'2 i have long brown hair green eyes i have 12 tattoos. somethings i like to do for fun is hangout with friends play pool get tattoos play with my son n go to the movies. i'm just on here chatting n see wat happens so if u would like to chat just leave me a message."

Remember when the only people with tattoos were bikers or people in the military? You know, because they were badass? Now people get tattoos when they're BORED WITH SHOOTING POOL! Christ. 

My next match is well... just too easy. So we'll move onto the next one. 

Bean--- doesn't reveal much about herself which keeps the whole "internet dating" thing mysterious. 

She lists her interests as "I need a bad boy" and nothing else. Well, Bean---, I guess I could see if the Riddler's in town because you look like the type who really needs a villain, what with your economically sensible packages of Bounty paper towels and Charmin toilet tissue. With the Riddler you'd learn to spend with reckless abandon, and that "bad boy" lifestyle would be sure to rev your engines. However, I'm probably not the guy for you as I, too, spend thriftily at the grocery store. So I must move on. Enjoy your coupon nights with your bad boy!

Lei---87 is a 25 year old nursing student who REALLY loves exclamation points!

A charming native of Glen Burnie who claims to be fond of cooking, dancing and karaoke, Lei---87's true passion lies with punctuation. Her About Me section reads: 
I am a 25 yr old nursing student who loves to hang out have fun and be myself. I am looking for someone to have fun with but also knows when to be serious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !
I can be serious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't even have a problem discussing the horrors of addiction or how my Grandma died of cancer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lei---87 also included this lovely picture as if to say in a Glen Burnie accent, "Dis is muh butt, yo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

You stay classy, Lei---87!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, I think that's it for today. I'd let you look some more but there's only so much depraved weirdness I can take in one day. I think I'm all stocked up for a while. Until next time...

My lips to yours!

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Poop Movie Game

Disclaimer: This idea is not my own. As far as I know it was developed by my brother, Thom, his wife Colleen, and my friend, Brian. Credit for this game goes to them.

Here's how you play the Poop Movie Game. Use movie titles to describe your bowel movements. It's that easy. I'll list a bunch to get you started. Feel free to post some here, or share them with your friends. The movie titles, not the poops. Unless you're German and/or you really don't like your friends.

In no particular order of greatness or hilarity.

Nightmare on Elm Street
Can't Hardly Wait
The Quick and the Dead
Herbie Goes Bananas
The Pride of the Yankees
Waiting to Exhale
How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
The Gold Rush
Something's Gotta Give
Days of Thunder
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
The Phantom Menace

There are probably few I haven't heard in the past week from those who have played, but please, continue the list, and as always...

My lips to yours.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

My Personal Top 10

My friend Liz at Naptime Decorator recently posted her Top 10, most viewed posts of 2011. I thought that was a great idea until I realized that my entire blog (now two years old) doesn't have the viewership of one of her regular posts. However, I remain undaunted and will sully myself silly with self-indulgence, all in the name of having a Top 10 of my own, even if it means that I'm telling you not which were your favorite posts of mine, but which were my favorite posts of mine. If you can't handle such  self-gratifying profligacy, then read no further. Otherwise, enjoy.

10) The Army of the Oblivious 

From my days working as a lifeguard at the Health Club, dealing with people who refuse to put two and two together for themselves.

9) The Anal Game

You don't want an Anal Avalanche, now do you? Do you?

8) Hottubites

Health club zealots.

7) Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus

The first half of my unfinished movie review of Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus. Also, my most viewed post to date.

6) Speaking of the word, date, here's the Saga Continues.

Who knew that a free dating website could be so entertaining!

5) Ninja Pooping

You'll never see me coming.

4) Drunken Master [Warning: Graphic Scenes Depicted]

When life gives you vomit, throw it up on your stomach in public.

3) Learning to Squawk 

More Health Club Shenanigans

Oh, Food Network. When I'm diagnosed with cirrhosis, I'll sue the crap out of you.

Just when you think they can't get any worse, they add a new feature.

Well that's my Top 10. If you care to, let me know if you agree with me. I doubt you'll re-read these but maybe, just maybe, you'll get REALLY bored. Thanks for reading and as always...

My lips to yours!