Friday, December 23, 2011

The (not so) Frugal Drinking Game!

I've previously written about my love of watching the Food Network because of all the scary, douchebaggy, and bat-shit crazy cooking show hosts who regale us with tales of culinary techniques both foreign and domestic. They certainly are a delight, and if they ever fail to amuse, there are always good drinking games to be played while watching their shows to lighten the mood and wobble your gait.

Recently, though, I've been watching youtube clips of some of the cooking show hosts from the days of yore.

 Justin Wilson, better known to most as the "Ah Gahr-Uhn-TEE" Cajun guy, is always entertaining, but in an old timey sort of way.

He also makes some pretty good food, though it's certainly not as flashy as the modern hosts. I recently made the recipe found in the video above (minus the chicken gizzards) and it was delicious.

But my search led me to a fella I'd largely forgotten about, Jeff Smith, "The Frugal Gourmet."

Oh, boy is this guy something else! He is rather tough to describe. He was a sweet old poop, and at the same time, a raging maniac. He pronounces "water" with about four h's before the first syllable (i.e. "hhhhwater") and "peanuts" as if it were a homonym of "penis." He also burns himself with alarming regularity. He has a massive case of attention deficit disorder and frequently pronounces a dish "done," "ready," or "ready to go" up to five times before he's finished adding ingredients. He frequently starts a story or recipe and begins a different story or recipe before the one he started is remotely finished. There are so many gaffes, foul-ups and nonsensical banter you won't believe it.

The above is a great example of what I'm talking about as well as a good starting point for my next cooking show drinking game, "The (not so) Frugal Drinking Game." I'll add some more good clips at the end (I've been bored recently) but here are the rules which you can mix and match at your discretion, but don't try too many at once:

1) 1 drink for every time he can't find an ingredient or utensil.
2) 1 drink for every time he clangs the cookwear obnoxiously loud.
3) 1 drink for every time he starts but fails to finish a sentence.
4) 2 drinks for every time he burns himself.
5) 2 drinks for every time he shows you previously prepared food, but forgets to inform you how to make it.
6) 3 drinks for every time he does the opposite of what he talks about.
7) 3 drinks for every time he declares his own food that he's just prepared to be "awful."
8) 4 drinks for every time he tells you to count to an irrelevant number to properly time the cooking of your food.
9) 4 drinks for every time he implores you to buy something that "costs a fortune."
10) 5 drinks for every time he shows you food he hasn't previously discussed.

Feel free to play with the rules or add your own, but be prepared to start giving your children Adderall at every meal to avoid turning out like this man.

And as promised, here are some more clips to play with, and as always, my lips to yours.

Here, the Frugal Gourmet discusses how we need to eat LESS beef and cooks several pounds of BRISKET!

Here, ol' Jeff shows you how to cook that classic FRENCH dish, "Sauerkraut and Weenies!" C'est magnifique, non? 

Here, the nutty old coot dishes on Biafra!

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Not to Beat a Dead Horse but...

... I just wanted to follow up on my last post. The "Meet Me" function at, as I previously noted, is intended to "dramatically improve" my dating matches. Last time, we took a look at the very first person about whom they offered me the question, "do you want to meet her?" Didn't turn out so hot. 

Now the relationship wizards at the finest dating site zero dollars can buy a subscription to have alerted me that someone out there (and by "out there" I mean in a DIFFERENT F-ING STATE) saw a certain someone's profile, checked the "Yes" box next to that certain someone's name, and wants to meet yours truly! Well that sure didn't take long,! Let's see who the lucky, inquisitive lil' hottie is, shall we?


Blue eyes, butterflies and Bingo-wings: these are a few of my favorite things!

Blue___2010 is a buxom out of towner who wants to get to know me, of all people. ME! Well it's good that one of the two things she lists as her interests is "texting," because we'll need good texting skills being that we live NOWHERE NEAR EACH OTHER. has this dating thing down to a science, don't they? 

Now, gentle readers, I am sure you are wondering, what could this lovely, vivacious, young debutante possibly list as her other interest? I mean, she digs texting, what else could there possibly be? Well take one good look at the picture above and I'll bet you'll figure it out on your own. Got it yet? That's right! It's "going to the gym!" And as you can see, it's working! 

Now that I know she's both interesting AND fit, I'm more inclined to start a long distance relationship. Let's see how she describes herself, shall we? She lists her body type as "a few extra pounds," but honestly, you can barely tell. She says she's "a fun loving country girl" and the mother of a five year old boy. She likes swimming, bowling, and cookouts, and she can't stand liars. An avid Steeler's fan, she says she is also "working on my figure." If she works any harder she might explode! You know, from all the exercise. 

However she is not looking for someone who "plays games," which for me, is kind of a deal breaker. I love playing games. Games like, "Go for a Walk Once in Your Life" and "Put the Goddam Cheeseburger Down." Sorry, Blue___2010. I guess I'm a bit too playful for you. 

My lips to yours.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

"Meet Me" at Plentyoffish

Please do not read too much into the title of this post. I am not asking anyone to go to our favorite dating website so that we can meet and get a deeper understanding of why you list tattoos, football and huffing freon as the things you love, but fail to mention any of your nine children.

No, gentle readers, I am here today to inform you of a new feature at called "Meet Me," which they contend will "dramatically improve your matches." I think my readership (all six of you) knows me well enough to know that when says that there is a way to "dramatically improve" my matches that I just won't be able to help myself. And so I click on...

And I know this is mean. I shouldn't use people's real pictures. But I have to. I just have to. Out of my desire to "dramatically improve" my matches, I clicked the "Meet Me" button for the very first time and this sultry young vixen's picture pops up.

I could be wrong, but I think she lives in the shed behind her in this picture.

Above her picture is a caption which, presumably, she herself has written. It is a three-word caption which reads (I swear, I am not making this up) "sad and lonely."

THANK YOU, PLENTYOFFFISH.COM! Thank you for dramatically improving my matches! What a big step up from the witches, ogres and hags you typically offer me as potential girlfriend material! Way to go!

At this point, offers me several choices. At the top of the page, they ask, "Do You Want to Meet Her?" And then, because the subtle art of dating has not progressed one iota since I was in middle school, they offer three boxes I can click on. They read, "Yes," "No," and "Maybe." As I can't actually bring myself to click on one of these and alert the winner of the 1978 Miss Test Tube Mishap contest as to whether or not I want to meet her, I look for other options and find that I can choose to view her profile. As I am finishing this paragraph I have yet to click on that option so that I can bring you, gentle reader, along with me on what is likely to be an enlightening adventure.

Here we go.

There isn't much I can see without being an "upgraded member" at, but what I can see is, well, unsettling. She's 33, likes hiking, bowling, baseball and country music. So far so good, but she then goes on to describe herself in her "About Me" section. Again, I swear that this is an actual quote (name changed).

"Hi my name is Allison.

I have been hurt so many times, I have been stabbed and lied to. I am looking for friendship and see where it goes."

May I confide in you, gentle readers? I totally have a thing for stab wounds. They really rev my engines.

WHAT THE HOLY LIVING SHIT!!!???  I've seen people on dating websites mention that they've been hurt in relationships before. Ok, fair enough, but STABBED? And the fact that "stabbed" is in such close proximity to "lied to" in that sentence, it seems that she equates the two. As if, "no, baby, I was just out having a few drinks with the boys" and "steak knife to the trapezius" are pretty much the same thing.

And I am not one to make light of domestic violence, I'm really not. If she was indeed stabbed, that's a horrible thing. But why on God's Blue Orb would you put that information on a dating website? I mean, I've had some bad dates before. (Did I tell you the one where I shit my pants getting into the car on a date and had to drive 4 miles before dropping her off at a store and had to go to a Subway restaurant bathroom, discard my underpants, throw my khakis in a dumpster and change into a pair of jeans I'd clairvoyantly left in the backseat of my car before rejoining my date at the store? Yep. That happened.) But I rather conveniently choose not to share it with potential romantic interests.

Perhaps I should, though. Perhaps it would dramatically improve the chances of some lucky lady out there, hoping to reel in one hell of a catch.

My lips to yours.