Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus: a Really Long Movie Review (20,000 Stars) Pt. 1

If you ever have a day when you don't have a reason to put on pants, I suggest you spend part of that day watching what is possibly the greatest movie ever: Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus.

I found Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus on Netflix today, and thinking that it was going to be a National Geographic episode about pre-historic creatures I decided to watch it on my laptop whilst I lay in bed, sans pants. The opening credits began and the first name to appear was none other than Jaleel White, the child star of ABC's Family Matters. My original thought was, "why the fuck is Steve Urkel narrating a National Geographic episode about pre-historic creatures?" But as the movie began, I realized I was in for a feature film, and one hell of a ride!

The movie begins "somewhere in Africa." It really doesn't matter where in Africa, nor does it really matter if it's in Africa at all because the movie pays no attention to where the characters are nor how long it takes for them to change locations, assuming correctly that the audience isn't paying attention either. So there are these Africans in a cave/mine and one of them finds a sharktooth-shaped rock and assumes its a diamond. It is not only not a diamond, it is completely irrelevant to the story, for within about a minute of the evil white boss telling him to get back to work...

CROCOSAURUS COMES OUT OF THE CAVE AND EATS THE EVIL WHITE BOSS!!! The evil white boss forgot to run, and/or turn around when all his workers fled the cave after the dinosaur-like growling emanating from the cave caused the cave to begin to collapse. After he casually walks to the front of the cave, Crocosaurus eats him and steps on a few miners, squishing them into smithereens.

It is important to note that the cave was just barely large enough for the miners to stand up in. I note this because the makers of this movie (and their special effects artists) are seemingly unconcerned with the size of their antagonist creatures. Later on in the movie, we see Crocosaurus crushing buildings in Miami and Orlando, a distance Crocosaurus covers in a few seconds. But I digress...

The scene changes and we meet our handsome hero, Dr. Terry McCormick, a young Lieutenant in the US Navy. He is an acoustic engineer on a battleship, specializing in how sound affects sharks. After some witless banter with his semi-attractive superior, we learn they are lovers (yes, gasp on, dear readers, gasp on) but as with the shark tooth stone, it turns out it doesn't really matter who she is because as soon as she goes back up onto the deck of the ship...

MEGA SHARK JUMPS OVER THE SHIP AND KILLS HER!!! After a quick but yawn-inducing scene in which Dr. McCormick pretends to cry over her dead body, he leaves her to rot and puts on a wetsuit which he uses to get in the water when Mega Shark sinks the boat. We assume he was rescued somehow and not eaten by Mega Shark, and we also assume that life is not  a cruel joke played on us by an evil creator who has forced us to watch this movie for his sick pleasure and enjoyment. And so we watch on.

We again notice some size and perspective issues, this time with Mega Shark. When Mega Shark leaps over the boat and slaps it with his tail he appears to be about 2/3 as big as the battleship itself. But when the seamen (tee hee!) start shooting (tee hee!) at Mega Shark, it is obvious that his dorsal fin alone is larger than the battleship. Anyway, everyone dies except Steve Urkel who we see swimming underwater with some scuba gear as the ship sinks.

Aaaaaand.... we're back in the Jungle! Though this time, we meet a handsome adventurer who kills a boar and goes to a jungle bar, where he is met by a beautiful blond reporter with a thick Australian accent. They talk about some mythical creature and she offers him money to capture the creature we assume to be Crocosaurus. Then they get in a helicopter and they find the area they're looking for because the reporter says, "there's nothing there." In the audience, heads are scratched, balls are adjusted, and some figure this is a good time to get a Diet Coke, pants or no pants.

Anyway, Blondie is traipsing around the jungle in high heels and a black cocktail dress and she stumbles into a pond where she is...

IMMEDIATELY EATEN BY CROCOSAURUS!!! Crocosaurus then chases Adventurepants into the cave where we met Crocosaurus at the beginning of the movie, only now Crocosaurus is far too large to fit into the cave from whence she came. Adventurboots then runs out of the cave with an unidentified object in his hand, and is eaten by Crocosaurus who shakes her head and dies, leaving Adventureface alive!

After a few more scenes of gut-wrenching irrelevance, Crocosaurus is on a boat the size of an aircraft carrier, and takes up the whole deck. Apparently she's been sedated. Oh yeah, I've been calling her "she" because you find out later that she's a she and she lays eggs you don't give a shit about either. And then...

MEGA SHARK ATTACKS THE BOAT!!! It's also about this time we learn that Crocosaurus isn't dead, but sedated because obviously Adventuredick had enough sedatives to keep a crocodile that large asleep for as long as is necessary in the movie. So we see Crocosaurus has been tied down this whole time.The captain of the boat frees her by snipping the twine from the paper thin tarp that has "secured" Crocosaurus to the deck. He then, in the midst of a dual, pre-historic monster attack at sea, jumps overboard with Adventurebottom. The scene then immediately cuts to the two of them being awakened by some kids on a beach. Adventurehips pulls a gun on the kid who thinks nothing of it, because he's from a rough neighborhood and stuff and guns... well let's just say he's had his share of guns pulled on him by strangers on the beach. The yawns just keep coming.

I've forgotten what Urkel does next, but it obviously doesn't matter.

Adventurefoot goes to yet another jungle bar but doesn't have the money to pay. But lo and behold, Special Agent Bigtits comes into the bar with her wallet and her stern face a-blazin'. She takes him somewhere. It might be on a boat. It might be at a naval base. You don't know where they are for sure, but it looks like wherever they are, they're in the Shitgoesdownhere Room. There are no windows and they come and go from this place so frequently and without reason, that if you had any shred of sanity left at this point in the movie, you'd be dizzy. But you don't, and you allow the movie to continue, taking with it your remaining dignity.

[To Be Continued...]

My lips to yours.

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