"Meet Me" at Plentyoffish

Please do not read too much into the title of this post. I am not asking anyone to go to our favorite dating website so that we can meet and get a deeper understanding of why you list tattoos, football and huffing freon as the things you love, but fail to mention any of your nine children.

No, gentle readers, I am here today to inform you of a new feature at plentyoffish.com called "Meet Me," which they contend will "dramatically improve your matches." I think my readership (all six of you) knows me well enough to know that when plentyoffish.com says that there is a way to "dramatically improve" my matches that I just won't be able to help myself. And so I click on...

And I know this is mean. I shouldn't use people's real pictures. But I have to. I just have to. Out of my desire to "dramatically improve" my matches, I clicked the "Meet Me" button for the very first time and this sultry young vixen's picture pops up.

I could be wrong, but I think she lives in the shed behind her in this picture.

Above her picture is a caption which, presumably, she herself has written. It is a three-word caption which reads (I swear, I am not making this up) "sad and lonely."

THANK YOU, PLENTYOFFFISH.COM! Thank you for dramatically improving my matches! What a big step up from the witches, ogres and hags you typically offer me as potential girlfriend material! Way to go!

At this point, plentyoffish.com offers me several choices. At the top of the page, they ask, "Do You Want to Meet Her?" And then, because the subtle art of dating has not progressed one iota since I was in middle school, they offer three boxes I can click on. They read, "Yes," "No," and "Maybe." As I can't actually bring myself to click on one of these and alert the winner of the 1978 Miss Test Tube Mishap contest as to whether or not I want to meet her, I look for other options and find that I can choose to view her profile. As I am finishing this paragraph I have yet to click on that option so that I can bring you, gentle reader, along with me on what is likely to be an enlightening adventure.

Here we go.

There isn't much I can see without being an "upgraded member" at plentyoffish.com, but what I can see is, well, unsettling. She's 33, likes hiking, bowling, baseball and country music. So far so good, but she then goes on to describe herself in her "About Me" section. Again, I swear that this is an actual quote (name changed).

"Hi my name is Allison.

I have been hurt so many times, I have been stabbed and lied to. I am looking for friendship and see where it goes."

May I confide in you, gentle readers? I totally have a thing for stab wounds. They really rev my engines.

WHAT THE HOLY LIVING SHIT!!!???  I've seen people on dating websites mention that they've been hurt in relationships before. Ok, fair enough, but STABBED? And the fact that "stabbed" is in such close proximity to "lied to" in that sentence, it seems that she equates the two. As if, "no, baby, I was just out having a few drinks with the boys" and "steak knife to the trapezius" are pretty much the same thing.

And I am not one to make light of domestic violence, I'm really not. If she was indeed stabbed, that's a horrible thing. But why on God's Blue Orb would you put that information on a dating website? I mean, I've had some bad dates before. (Did I tell you the one where I shit my pants getting into the car on a date and had to drive 4 miles before dropping her off at a store and had to go to a Subway restaurant bathroom, discard my underpants, throw my khakis in a dumpster and change into a pair of jeans I'd clairvoyantly left in the backseat of my car before rejoining my date at the store? Yep. That happened.) But I rather conveniently choose not to share it with potential romantic interests.

Perhaps I should, though. Perhaps it would dramatically improve the chances of some lucky lady out there, hoping to reel in one hell of a catch.

My lips to yours.