Sunday, March 4, 2012

Tattoos, Exclamation Points and Sheer Lunacy.

As spring time approaches, the good people at know that love is in the air, so they sent me my latest matches today, from their most esteemed dating service. However, at, love is not the only thing that's in the air. Horrible grammar, coma-inducing introductions, and pictures of ladies who look like failed science experiments fill the proverbial nostrils of the geniuses at our favorite dating website, at which point they happily sneeze them across the internet and directly into my inbox. I suppose this whole analogy makes me the weird kid from grade school who liked to show you his boogers, but I'm okay with that. Let's take a look-see, shall we?

Jenni----30 sure is a looker. She's 30 years old,  5'2" and has an "average body type." She enjoys playing pool, bowling, and country line dancing, and she wants her would-be suitors to know, "I'm looking for someone that serious about wanting to date someone." Are you, now, Jenni? Well, I'm serious about wanting to date someone, but I feel that your captivating hazel eyes and come-hither smile are a bit too much for me. I can get jealous sometimes and I feel that when ever we went out, I'd have to stave off herds of available men as they flock to your beauty. And that puts a lot of pressure on me. And I, for one, don't respond well to pressure.

My next match is a familiar one. Mskiki289, as you'll recall, enjoys being treated like a canine. But she has updated her profile, so let's take a gander at it.

Her profile still contains a "my sister and I don't share men" warning which is... off-putting, but she no longer asks potential suitors to rub her belly and play fetch, so she's making progress. However, what she's apparently looking for in a relationship is a bit odd.

"It would be nice to find someone with a sense of humor, likes to do things together and if you like to play around and wrestle also would be hot. I'm a bit competitive so if you need a workout partner, shooting bows and arrows, gun range, beer pong, golf, friendly race or watching sports together then im your girl." 

Thank God, Mskiki!!! All I've ever wanted out of a relationship is wrestling, a workout partner, shooting bows and arrows, a gun range, beer pong, golf and a friendly race! I'd like to do all of these things at the same time though, if you're up for it. You could wrestle around on my back while shooting a gun, and I'd be shooting a bow and arrow at a beer pong table as I raced around the golf course (in a friendly manner, of course). Please, Mskiki, be my girl!

Midnight----85 is my next match and she is all about her tattoos.

Her entire "About Me" section reads thusly:

"Hi my name is Andrea. I'm 5'2 i have long brown hair green eyes i have 12 tattoos. somethings i like to do for fun is hangout with friends play pool get tattoos play with my son n go to the movies. i'm just on here chatting n see wat happens so if u would like to chat just leave me a message."

Remember when the only people with tattoos were bikers or people in the military? You know, because they were badass? Now people get tattoos when they're BORED WITH SHOOTING POOL! Christ. 

My next match is well... just too easy. So we'll move onto the next one. 

Bean--- doesn't reveal much about herself which keeps the whole "internet dating" thing mysterious. 

She lists her interests as "I need a bad boy" and nothing else. Well, Bean---, I guess I could see if the Riddler's in town because you look like the type who really needs a villain, what with your economically sensible packages of Bounty paper towels and Charmin toilet tissue. With the Riddler you'd learn to spend with reckless abandon, and that "bad boy" lifestyle would be sure to rev your engines. However, I'm probably not the guy for you as I, too, spend thriftily at the grocery store. So I must move on. Enjoy your coupon nights with your bad boy!

Lei---87 is a 25 year old nursing student who REALLY loves exclamation points!

A charming native of Glen Burnie who claims to be fond of cooking, dancing and karaoke, Lei---87's true passion lies with punctuation. Her About Me section reads: 
I am a 25 yr old nursing student who loves to hang out have fun and be myself. I am looking for someone to have fun with but also knows when to be serious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !
I can be serious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't even have a problem discussing the horrors of addiction or how my Grandma died of cancer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lei---87 also included this lovely picture as if to say in a Glen Burnie accent, "Dis is muh butt, yo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

You stay classy, Lei---87!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, I think that's it for today. I'd let you look some more but there's only so much depraved weirdness I can take in one day. I think I'm all stocked up for a while. Until next time...

My lips to yours!

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