Once again, loyal readers, here are actual responses to my craigslist post for a (one) roommate.
Hi, just saw your ad and was wondering if you were still looking for people to rent out any rooms? We are a gay couple living in Baltimore and looking to move out of the city. We are definitely cat friendly and I work right in your area. We would love to come see the place sometime this week, if you are available. Please let me know what day/time works for you.
Jim and Brad (names changed to protect the gay couples that seem to swarm outside my house trying to move in, politely)
Seriously? ONE roommate! ONE! Not, one roommate and the fella who handles his goodies! My friend, Steve, always told me I had a gay aroma. I'm starting to believe him and I also believe that this aroma can be detected through the internet. Maybe I need new body wash.
Here's my favorite one so far, though:
Hello want to move in on Sunday. (That's not a good start, but go on.) Please send me your contact so we can discuss the deal. (Who does he think I am? Jason Bourne? "Send me your contact?" If I had a contact to send him, I'd need to ensure his safety first. He'd meet you at Pont Neuf, take off his jacket and face East. When I was certain you came alone, only then could we discuss "the deal.") My number is 4435555555. (Well that isn't as secretive as you sounded earlier. What the hell kind of spy are you, anyway?) Hope to hear from you. (I said my contact would meet you IN PARIS! Sheesh, get on the ball, here.) Move in immediately. (Was that a command? Did you just tell me you were moving in immediately? You sure are a go-getter, aren't you?)
And that was it. No name. Just an email tinged with secrecy, urgency and violence. Perhaps I should call. My life needs a little excitement. Who knows? Maybe my phone would self-destruct and I'd find a box full of money and passports on my back porch.
A man can dream, can't he?
My lips to yours.