Thursday, April 15, 2010

An Introduction

[Originally posted at]
Welcome, friends, to a new literary effort inspired by the absurd behavior exhibited by those who frequent health club swimming pools. We understand that health club swimming pool patrons are not often recognized for their behavior, absurd or otherwise, but as seasoned lifeguarding veterans, we feel it's time for their comeuppance.
I'm Phil. I worked as a lifeguard in the pool area of a Health Club in Catonsville, Maryland for most of my late teens and early twenties. Most of those years were spent working with the co-author of this blog, Damon. You can read my personal blog at and Damon's fitness blog at
As I mentioned on my other blog, as lifeguards at a Health Club, Damon and I kept rather meticulous records. This is odd for two people who were attracted to a job that required little more than a pulse and slight positive bouyancy, but we did.
We realized early on that we knew all of the same lunatic patrons and, as Damon put it, we figured we needed a way to keep track of these oddballs and if one of us didn't know the reference, we could look them up on the list. Sort of like a nutjob card catalog. And thus was born The Directory.
The Directory contained a detailed list of our regulars and a brief description of what made them stand out. A few of them (whom we referred to as The Heroes) were the people we liked to hang out with (Ray), were wacky and fun (Carlos) or had interesting stories to tell despite their proclivity for random acts of public nudity (Big Al). Each entry had a paragraph outlining their basic personalities and those qualities which made them memorable.
Most of The Directory, however, discussed The Heels: those people who drove us near the point of madness. These included anyone who perplexed, angered or irritated us, especially those with bizarre appearance or apparell (Wash Cloth Bathing Suit Lady), those with over-the-top personalities (The Intense How-Do-You-Do) or particulary whiny individuals (Most Obnoxious Woman on the Face of the Planet Who Deserves to Die 100,000 Horrible Deaths). Some of the Heels simply confounded us with their incorrigible regularity (The Bald Foot Dipper), others with their pointy man-boobs (Pointy-Breasted Karate Guy).
Often, instead of an individual with a particular charicter flaw, we'd lump together groups of perturbingly like-minded folks who, for whatever reason, could not resist performing the same aggravating maneuvers as their equally oblivious bretheren (Chair Re-Locators, Loogie Hockers Incorporated).
These stories, the story of that time when Ghetto Fabulous ate my pizza, and more when we return. Stay tuned, dear readers. Stay tuned.

No comments:

Post a Comment