Sunday, April 4, 2010

If I Owned a Jiffy Lube...

It's been three months now that I've been "lubing it," as it were. I never thought in a million years that I could possibly enjoy working at Jiffy Lube but as it turns out, it's been a pretty enjoyable experience. My job is easy (I'm a Customer Service Advisor, or as we call it in the biz, I'm the "This is your air filter" Guy) and I get to talk to people all day which is nice. My co-workers are friendly and quirky enough to provide plenty of laughs throughout my workday and I get to practice my two Spanish sentences with several diminutive Guatamalan co-lubers who have heard me inform them time and time again (in Spanish) that "I do not like the fireman" and "the clown is dead." In English, I try to slip in inappropriate yet harmless phrases to customers like, "we'll get you all lubed up and out of here in ten minutes" and "we'll make sure you have fresh lubrication back there" as many times as possible which makes my day go by that much faster.

So, so far so good, minus the lousy pay, but I'm employed so I won't complain too much.

I still know next to nothing about cars. I've learned a few things, like why it's a good idea to change your transmission fluid and that using words like "torque converter" and "heater coil" helps sell ancillary products. I don't know what these things mean, but I can sometimes say them and sound like I know what I'm talking about and occasionally it will net me a few more sales on cabin air filters and radiator flushes and the like.

And though I'm still new to the industry, I do have a few ideas for what I would do if I owned a Jiffy Lube. The first thing that would have to go would be the uniform. My Jiffy Lube employees would not wear uniforms; they would wear costumes.Look at the pictures I provided here! Which of these people would you NOT want working on your car? That's right, the Jiffy Lube employee. At my Jiffy Lube, Darth Vader would greet you behind the bay, give you the price list for the different types of oil and escort you to the customer lounge. All of the hood techs would be dressed as Steve Urkel and even though the customers couldn't see them, the guys in the pit would be in full Mr. Belvedere regalia. I realize that costumed pit techs wouldn't really bring in extra revenue, but I really would like my Steve Urkels to say things to them like, "clear to add oil on bay 2, Mr. Belvedere?" I really think that would brighten my day. Moving on, my "This is your air filter" guys would have to do a ventriloquist act with a puppet while giving you their service reviews and the manufacturer's reccommendations. It's the only way to make those presentations more believeable.

Finally, my cashiers would have to be in costume as well. I'm pretty sure that a manager would have to dress as a Sgt. Pepper's era Beatle, but I'm not sure who would ring you out. Pirates, drag queens and Elvis are too cliche. I'll take suggestions for this one. Who would you like the person who informs you of all the services that were just performed on your vehicle ("changed your oil and oil filter, checked your air filter and wiper blades, vaccuumed the floors, washed the windows, set your tires to 32 psi, added washer fluid..." etc.) to be dressed as at my Jiffy Lube? I'm expecting great ideas from you, my gentle readers.

Don't let me down.

My lips to yours!


  1. You need to appear on an episode of "Undercover Drone" and infiltrate Jiffy Lube's corporate headquarters.

    Oh, and as long as we're going retro here, my suggestion: The Bhagwan.


  3. I would love to see The Bushes cleaning windshields. Get costumes of the whole damn family.