Some Days, I Wish I Were Carrot Top

It's been a while since we've communed, gentle readers. Life's been good but hectic of late. Not much of a moment to spare peering into the profiles of the gorgeous debutantes at Plentyoffish.com, but on my day off today, I figured I'd let curiosity do what it does best, and hopefully my cat will make it out of this little excursion alive. Just in case, I've put his veterinarian on call.

Without further ado:

You see this face? This is my sexy face!

Court________1020 gets straight to the point.

"Let me start first by saying if your just looking for sex you've come to the wrong place."

And she's right about that! Smart, this one, even though she does still get tripped up by the "your, you're" conundrum, but who doesn't these days?

"I'm looking for something long term, not a one nighter." 

Long term, eh? Have you thought of looking in your county's prisons? As for the one nighter thing, I think you're pretty safe.

"I want something REAL." 

Fair enough. I'll put down the plastic mannequin I was putting together for you in a box marked "Boyfriend Material," and I'll wish you happy hunting.

If you call me, I'll f%$&ing stab you!

Greeen___Girl struggles with the concept of "allure." She begins:

"Ok, so I figure I have to write something here, and write something that is not mundane. I am a ****, I am picky, I hate short guys, bad teeth and smokers. Lol, is that eye catching or what? Actually I am pretty nice unless you irk me or piss me off and then I am not so nice."

As I attempt to read the rest of her profile, I keep coming back to those four little asterisks and wondering which obscenity she meant them to stand for. I mean, even in the crazy, topsy-turvy world of Plentyoffish.com, no one starts out describing themselves by saying "I am a shit," right? You can't do that, no matter how crazy you are. "I am a fuck" doesn't make a lot of sense, nor does it bode much better as an enchanting descriptor. Based on the context of her paragraph, I'm going to go ahead and assume she left off an asterisk and meant to say, "I am a bitch." Come hither, indeed!

Almost absurdly, we have something in common; neither of us like Plentyoffish.com.

 "I am intelligent, funny and overall a great catch. So why am I single. It has nothing to do with myself, actually it is all the absurd fellas on here. If I were to find a conventional one maybe I could get off of this dreadful site."


Now, as a single man who occasionally peers at and publicly ridicules his Plentyoffish.com matches, I do appreciate the irony of what I'm about to suggest, but I feel rather strongly that in this case, the fact that she's still single has less to do with "the absurd fellas on here" and more to do with the fact that she equates being "a bitch" with being "a great catch." Or maybe I'm just absurd. Let's read on.


She describes her exercise habits (which are INTENSE!!!) and then goes through the inevitable list of things she loves, followed by the things she dislikes.


"I dislike talking on the phone, stalkers, harassment, smoking, ignorant people, and animal abuse. Yes I said I dislike the PHONE that means I do not want you to call me I would much rather talk by email, text or even snail mail. It doesn't matter who you are, ask my mother I call her once a month and talk to her daily by text. Its just me :)"


Well, darling, I do believe that you have effectively removed all possibilities of anybody calling you on the phone. But I hope you find the right guy one day, one who's looking for a righteous bitch, one who sees you as the catch you really are, who's not one of those hate-able short guys, and who really needs a royal pain the ass.

Her tagline reads (I swear): "My knight and shiney armor."

I'm going to let Msjiggly____ speak for herself:



"I am a lady I am down to earth and I speak my mind I also like to cook I am sexy I like to draw write poetry and I like to sang and dance.... I am looking for a man potential a good head on his shoulders yes and sexy and in amazing lover no big fat it forehead it dudes,no ugly dudes,no fat or becoming fat dudes,bald dudes,short dudes,wearing glasses 24hour dudes,ewwwwwha so grossa :-/ you're not allowed don't even think about it.I want a man that knows how to treat and talk to a lady.. he must know what he want in and out of life he has to drive in have a car and an amazing lover he must be tall he must know how to dress. He also has to be a gentleman, and romantic and seductively freaky.. I'm not here to waste my time.I want a man not a little boy."


If you're looking for a man with a car, who isn't fat or bald, doesn't wear glasses and is "seductively freaky." I'm guessing you're looking for this:

My lips to yours (no, not you, Carrot Top).

PS. My cat is still with us.

Plentyoffish: Latest Matches

Does this even require words? I don't think so. I'm just going to let these pictures and profile descriptions stand for themselves.

Not that it matters, but she's the one on the left.

ABOUT ME
This is always the hardest part! I love all kinds of things like... RAVENS FOOTBALL,reading, outdoors, camping, boating, the beach, traveling, and much more!!!
I'am very layed back and easy going!Enjoy a night on the couch with a good movie or a night out on the town! I love kids have non of my own but do have neices and nephews!!
I guess I will leave it at this for now and see if it works! Oh and I have 10 tattoos all covered but Im hooked ;)

Come hither? Don't mind if I don't!

ABOUT ME
Im so down to earth,I love to have fun and just live life to the fullest. My hobbies are I love to cook that is my thing. I love to see my man smiling while eating my cooking. My goals in life is to open my own business,and also go back to school to get my nursing degree. I would say that I am a good female I love to be spontanious and just have fun. I can be serious at times when its needed but I'm usually smiling most of the time . I love music when I listen to r&b and one soul its just so calming. I also love hiphop. But all in all im a good gal that will keep it 100 all the time.

That navel ring is hot! Good thing she's not pregnant... Oh wait...

ABOUT ME
talking on the phone,chilling with friends, working out. i am 27 and yes i am preg right now .but i am a sweet and caring person .i have 3 kids and they are my world i do have a daughter that is diable. If you don't like me for me then oh well your lost. I love to have fun. If you wan't to know any thing else just send a message.

Um... Gosh I hope she can spell and/or use appropriate grammar when describing  herself!

ABOUT ME
jeeze these things are tough, but i am going to try to talk about myself lol. My best and favorite hobbies are, movies, reading, writing, playing with my pets, and going to the book store, or local coffee shop, (i dont mean starbucks) I want to be a great novelist and travel around the world, my main places i want to visit is irland, japan, and london so far. But wondering the country and finding the qutie little shops that people over look is great too. what makes me different is i am easy going and not hard to impress, i am very open minded to many things and willing to try it once. I am pretty much a fun person to be around, i can go to horror movies, and comdey and action and not get scared enough to leave, and you dont have to worry about me draging you to a chick flick becuase i dont care much for them. lol. i love all kind of music it doesnt matter somethings i just download the song without knowing the band. if you think i am the right kind of girl for you send me a message

She looks like a happy person. I'm sure she won't sound depressed in her profile! I'm sure of it!

ABOUT ME
My name is christine. I have 2 kids a boy who lives with hos dad for the time being and my daughter stays with her gma for school. I am tired of playing games. This is going to be rhe last time im on here.


Wow.

My lips to yours.

Tattoos, Exclamation Points and Sheer Lunacy.

As spring time approaches, the good people at plentyoffish.com know that love is in the air, so they sent me my latest matches today, from their most esteemed dating service. However, at plentyoffish.com, love is not the only thing that's in the air. Horrible grammar, coma-inducing introductions, and pictures of ladies who look like failed science experiments fill the proverbial nostrils of the geniuses at our favorite dating website, at which point they happily sneeze them across the internet and directly into my inbox. I suppose this whole analogy makes me the weird kid from grade school who liked to show you his boogers, but I'm okay with that. Let's take a look-see, shall we?

Jenni----30 sure is a looker. She's 30 years old,  5'2" and has an "average body type." She enjoys playing pool, bowling, and country line dancing, and she wants her would-be suitors to know, "I'm looking for someone that serious about wanting to date someone." Are you, now, Jenni? Well, I'm serious about wanting to date someone, but I feel that your captivating hazel eyes and come-hither smile are a bit too much for me. I can get jealous sometimes and I feel that when ever we went out, I'd have to stave off herds of available men as they flock to your beauty. And that puts a lot of pressure on me. And I, for one, don't respond well to pressure.


My next match is a familiar one. Mskiki289, as you'll recall, enjoys being treated like a canine. But she has updated her profile, so let's take a gander at it.

Her profile still contains a "my sister and I don't share men" warning which is... off-putting, but she no longer asks potential suitors to rub her belly and play fetch, so she's making progress. However, what she's apparently looking for in a relationship is a bit odd.


"It would be nice to find someone with a sense of humor, likes to do things together and if you like to play around and wrestle also would be hot. I'm a bit competitive so if you need a workout partner, shooting bows and arrows, gun range, beer pong, golf, friendly race or watching sports together then im your girl." 

Thank God, Mskiki!!! All I've ever wanted out of a relationship is wrestling, a workout partner, shooting bows and arrows, a gun range, beer pong, golf and a friendly race! I'd like to do all of these things at the same time though, if you're up for it. You could wrestle around on my back while shooting a gun, and I'd be shooting a bow and arrow at a beer pong table as I raced around the golf course (in a friendly manner, of course). Please, Mskiki, be my girl!

Midnight----85 is my next match and she is all about her tattoos.

Her entire "About Me" section reads thusly:

"Hi my name is Andrea. I'm 5'2 i have long brown hair green eyes i have 12 tattoos. somethings i like to do for fun is hangout with friends play pool get tattoos play with my son n go to the movies. i'm just on here chatting n see wat happens so if u would like to chat just leave me a message."


Remember when the only people with tattoos were bikers or people in the military? You know, because they were badass? Now people get tattoos when they're BORED WITH SHOOTING POOL! Christ. 


My next match is well... just too easy. So we'll move onto the next one. 


Bean--- doesn't reveal much about herself which keeps the whole "internet dating" thing mysterious. 

She lists her interests as "I need a bad boy" and nothing else. Well, Bean---, I guess I could see if the Riddler's in town because you look like the type who really needs a villain, what with your economically sensible packages of Bounty paper towels and Charmin toilet tissue. With the Riddler you'd learn to spend with reckless abandon, and that "bad boy" lifestyle would be sure to rev your engines. However, I'm probably not the guy for you as I, too, spend thriftily at the grocery store. So I must move on. Enjoy your coupon nights with your bad boy!


Lei---87 is a 25 year old nursing student who REALLY loves exclamation points!

A charming native of Glen Burnie who claims to be fond of cooking, dancing and karaoke, Lei---87's true passion lies with punctuation. Her About Me section reads: 
I am a 25 yr old nursing student who loves to hang out have fun and be myself. I am looking for someone to have fun with but also knows when to be serious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !
I can be serious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't even have a problem discussing the horrors of addiction or how my Grandma died of cancer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Lei---87 also included this lovely picture as if to say in a Glen Burnie accent, "Dis is muh butt, yo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

You stay classy, Lei---87!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Okay, I think that's it for today. I'd let you look some more but there's only so much depraved weirdness I can take in one day. I think I'm all stocked up for a while. Until next time...


My lips to yours!

Poop Movie Game

Disclaimer: This idea is not my own. As far as I know it was developed by my brother, Thom, his wife Colleen, and my friend, Brian. Credit for this game goes to them.

Here's how you play the Poop Movie Game. Use movie titles to describe your bowel movements. It's that easy. I'll list a bunch to get you started. Feel free to post some here, or share them with your friends. The movie titles, not the poops. Unless you're German and/or you really don't like your friends.

In no particular order of greatness or hilarity.

Nightmare on Elm Street
Can't Hardly Wait
The Quick and the Dead
Herbie Goes Bananas
The Pride of the Yankees
Waiting to Exhale
How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
The Gold Rush
Twister
Something's Gotta Give
Tremors
Days of Thunder
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
Thunderball
The Phantom Menace

There are probably few I haven't heard in the past week from those who have played, but please, continue the list, and as always...

My lips to yours.

My Personal Top 10

My friend Liz at Naptime Decorator recently posted her Top 10, most viewed posts of 2011. I thought that was a great idea until I realized that my entire blog (now two years old) doesn't have the viewership of one of her regular posts. However, I remain undaunted and will sully myself silly with self-indulgence, all in the name of having a Top 10 of my own, even if it means that I'm telling you not which were your favorite posts of mine, but which were my favorite posts of mine. If you can't handle such  self-gratifying profligacy, then read no further. Otherwise, enjoy.

10) The Army of the Oblivious 

From my days working as a lifeguard at the Health Club, dealing with people who refuse to put two and two together for themselves.

9) The Anal Game

You don't want an Anal Avalanche, now do you? Do you?

8) Hottubites

Health club zealots.

7) Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus

The first half of my unfinished movie review of Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus. Also, my most viewed post to date.

6) Speaking of the word, date, here's Plentyoffish.com the Saga Continues.

Who knew that a free dating website could be so entertaining!

5) Ninja Pooping

You'll never see me coming.

4) Drunken Master [Warning: Graphic Scenes Depicted]

When life gives you vomit, throw it up on your stomach in public.

3) Learning to Squawk 

More Health Club Shenanigans

2) The Food Network Drinking Game

Oh, Food Network. When I'm diagnosed with cirrhosis, I'll sue the crap out of you.

1) Meet Me at Plentyoffish

Just when you think they can't get any worse, they add a new feature.

Well that's my Top 10. If you care to, let me know if you agree with me. I doubt you'll re-read these but maybe, just maybe, you'll get REALLY bored. Thanks for reading and as always...

My lips to yours!

The (not so) Frugal Drinking Game!

I've previously written about my love of watching the Food Network because of all the scary, douchebaggy, and bat-shit crazy cooking show hosts who regale us with tales of culinary techniques both foreign and domestic. They certainly are a delight, and if they ever fail to amuse, there are always good drinking games to be played while watching their shows to lighten the mood and wobble your gait.

Recently, though, I've been watching youtube clips of some of the cooking show hosts from the days of yore.

 Justin Wilson, better known to most as the "Ah Gahr-Uhn-TEE" Cajun guy, is always entertaining, but in an old timey sort of way.

He also makes some pretty good food, though it's certainly not as flashy as the modern hosts. I recently made the recipe found in the video above (minus the chicken gizzards) and it was delicious.

But my search led me to a fella I'd largely forgotten about, Jeff Smith, "The Frugal Gourmet."

Oh, boy is this guy something else! He is rather tough to describe. He was a sweet old poop, and at the same time, a raging maniac. He pronounces "water" with about four h's before the first syllable (i.e. "hhhhwater") and "peanuts" as if it were a homonym of "penis." He also burns himself with alarming regularity. He has a massive case of attention deficit disorder and frequently pronounces a dish "done," "ready," or "ready to go" up to five times before he's finished adding ingredients. He frequently starts a story or recipe and begins a different story or recipe before the one he started is remotely finished. There are so many gaffes, foul-ups and nonsensical banter you won't believe it.

The above is a great example of what I'm talking about as well as a good starting point for my next cooking show drinking game, "The (not so) Frugal Drinking Game." I'll add some more good clips at the end (I've been bored recently) but here are the rules which you can mix and match at your discretion, but don't try too many at once:

1) 1 drink for every time he can't find an ingredient or utensil.
2) 1 drink for every time he clangs the cookwear obnoxiously loud.
3) 1 drink for every time he starts but fails to finish a sentence.
4) 2 drinks for every time he burns himself.
5) 2 drinks for every time he shows you previously prepared food, but forgets to inform you how to make it.
6) 3 drinks for every time he does the opposite of what he talks about.
7) 3 drinks for every time he declares his own food that he's just prepared to be "awful."
8) 4 drinks for every time he tells you to count to an irrelevant number to properly time the cooking of your food.
9) 4 drinks for every time he implores you to buy something that "costs a fortune."
10) 5 drinks for every time he shows you food he hasn't previously discussed.

Feel free to play with the rules or add your own, but be prepared to start giving your children Adderall at every meal to avoid turning out like this man.

And as promised, here are some more clips to play with, and as always, my lips to yours.

Here, the Frugal Gourmet discusses how we need to eat LESS beef and cooks several pounds of BRISKET!

Here, ol' Jeff shows you how to cook that classic FRENCH dish, "Sauerkraut and Weenies!" C'est magnifique, non? 

Here, the nutty old coot dishes on Biafra!

Not to Beat a Dead Horse but...

... I just wanted to follow up on my last post. The "Meet Me" function at plentyoffish.com, as I previously noted, is intended to "dramatically improve" my dating matches. Last time, we took a look at the very first person about whom they offered me the question, "do you want to meet her?" Didn't turn out so hot. 

Now the relationship wizards at the finest dating site zero dollars can buy a subscription to have alerted me that someone out there (and by "out there" I mean in a DIFFERENT F-ING STATE) saw a certain someone's profile, checked the "Yes" box next to that certain someone's name, and wants to meet yours truly! Well that sure didn't take long, plentyoffish.com! Let's see who the lucky, inquisitive lil' hottie is, shall we?

JACKPOT!

Blue eyes, butterflies and Bingo-wings: these are a few of my favorite things!

Blue___2010 is a buxom out of towner who wants to get to know me, of all people. ME! Well it's good that one of the two things she lists as her interests is "texting," because we'll need good texting skills being that we live NOWHERE NEAR EACH OTHER. Plentyoffish.com has this dating thing down to a science, don't they? 

Now, gentle readers, I am sure you are wondering, what could this lovely, vivacious, young debutante possibly list as her other interest? I mean, she digs texting, what else could there possibly be? Well take one good look at the picture above and I'll bet you'll figure it out on your own. Got it yet? That's right! It's "going to the gym!" And as you can see, it's working! 

Now that I know she's both interesting AND fit, I'm more inclined to start a long distance relationship. Let's see how she describes herself, shall we? She lists her body type as "a few extra pounds," but honestly, you can barely tell. She says she's "a fun loving country girl" and the mother of a five year old boy. She likes swimming, bowling, and cookouts, and she can't stand liars. An avid Steeler's fan, she says she is also "working on my figure." If she works any harder she might explode! You know, from all the exercise. 

However she is not looking for someone who "plays games," which for me, is kind of a deal breaker. I love playing games. Games like, "Go for a Walk Once in Your Life" and "Put the Goddam Cheeseburger Down." Sorry, Blue___2010. I guess I'm a bit too playful for you. 

My lips to yours.