Not to Beat a Dead Horse but...

... I just wanted to follow up on my last post. The "Meet Me" function at plentyoffish.com, as I previously noted, is intended to "dramatically improve" my dating matches. Last time, we took a look at the very first person about whom they offered me the question, "do you want to meet her?" Didn't turn out so hot. 

Now the relationship wizards at the finest dating site zero dollars can buy a subscription to have alerted me that someone out there (and by "out there" I mean in a DIFFERENT F-ING STATE) saw a certain someone's profile, checked the "Yes" box next to that certain someone's name, and wants to meet yours truly! Well that sure didn't take long, plentyoffish.com! Let's see who the lucky, inquisitive lil' hottie is, shall we?

JACKPOT!

Blue eyes, butterflies and Bingo-wings: these are a few of my favorite things!

Blue___2010 is a buxom out of towner who wants to get to know me, of all people. ME! Well it's good that one of the two things she lists as her interests is "texting," because we'll need good texting skills being that we live NOWHERE NEAR EACH OTHER. Plentyoffish.com has this dating thing down to a science, don't they? 

Now, gentle readers, I am sure you are wondering, what could this lovely, vivacious, young debutante possibly list as her other interest? I mean, she digs texting, what else could there possibly be? Well take one good look at the picture above and I'll bet you'll figure it out on your own. Got it yet? That's right! It's "going to the gym!" And as you can see, it's working! 

Now that I know she's both interesting AND fit, I'm more inclined to start a long distance relationship. Let's see how she describes herself, shall we? She lists her body type as "a few extra pounds," but honestly, you can barely tell. She says she's "a fun loving country girl" and the mother of a five year old boy. She likes swimming, bowling, and cookouts, and she can't stand liars. An avid Steeler's fan, she says she is also "working on my figure." If she works any harder she might explode! You know, from all the exercise. 

However she is not looking for someone who "plays games," which for me, is kind of a deal breaker. I love playing games. Games like, "Go for a Walk Once in Your Life" and "Put the Goddam Cheeseburger Down." Sorry, Blue___2010. I guess I'm a bit too playful for you. 

My lips to yours.

"Meet Me" at Plentyoffish

Please do not read too much into the title of this post. I am not asking anyone to go to our favorite dating website so that we can meet and get a deeper understanding of why you list tattoos, football and huffing freon as the things you love, but fail to mention any of your nine children.

No, gentle readers, I am here today to inform you of a new feature at plentyoffish.com called "Meet Me," which they contend will "dramatically improve your matches." I think my readership (all six of you) knows me well enough to know that when plentyoffish.com says that there is a way to "dramatically improve" my matches that I just won't be able to help myself. And so I click on...

And I know this is mean. I shouldn't use people's real pictures. But I have to. I just have to. Out of my desire to "dramatically improve" my matches, I clicked the "Meet Me" button for the very first time and this sultry young vixen's picture pops up.

I could be wrong, but I think she lives in the shed behind her in this picture.

Above her picture is a caption which, presumably, she herself has written. It is a three-word caption which reads (I swear, I am not making this up) "sad and lonely."

THANK YOU, PLENTYOFFFISH.COM! Thank you for dramatically improving my matches! What a big step up from the witches, ogres and hags you typically offer me as potential girlfriend material! Way to go!

At this point, plentyoffish.com offers me several choices. At the top of the page, they ask, "Do You Want to Meet Her?" And then, because the subtle art of dating has not progressed one iota since I was in middle school, they offer three boxes I can click on. They read, "Yes," "No," and "Maybe." As I can't actually bring myself to click on one of these and alert the winner of the 1978 Miss Test Tube Mishap contest as to whether or not I want to meet her, I look for other options and find that I can choose to view her profile. As I am finishing this paragraph I have yet to click on that option so that I can bring you, gentle reader, along with me on what is likely to be an enlightening adventure.

Here we go.

There isn't much I can see without being an "upgraded member" at plentyoffish.com, but what I can see is, well, unsettling. She's 33, likes hiking, bowling, baseball and country music. So far so good, but she then goes on to describe herself in her "About Me" section. Again, I swear that this is an actual quote (name changed).

"Hi my name is Allison.

I have been hurt so many times, I have been stabbed and lied to. I am looking for friendship and see where it goes."

May I confide in you, gentle readers? I totally have a thing for stab wounds. They really rev my engines.

WHAT THE HOLY LIVING SHIT!!!???  I've seen people on dating websites mention that they've been hurt in relationships before. Ok, fair enough, but STABBED? And the fact that "stabbed" is in such close proximity to "lied to" in that sentence, it seems that she equates the two. As if, "no, baby, I was just out having a few drinks with the boys" and "steak knife to the trapezius" are pretty much the same thing.

And I am not one to make light of domestic violence, I'm really not. If she was indeed stabbed, that's a horrible thing. But why on God's Blue Orb would you put that information on a dating website? I mean, I've had some bad dates before. (Did I tell you the one where I shit my pants getting into the car on a date and had to drive 4 miles before dropping her off at a store and had to go to a Subway restaurant bathroom, discard my underpants, throw my khakis in a dumpster and change into a pair of jeans I'd clairvoyantly left in the backseat of my car before rejoining my date at the store? Yep. That happened.) But I rather conveniently choose not to share it with potential romantic interests.

Perhaps I should, though. Perhaps it would dramatically improve the chances of some lucky lady out there, hoping to reel in one hell of a catch.

My lips to yours.

Plentyoffish: The Saga Continues

Ok, so it's not so much a saga as it is me making fun of innocent people again, but I like the word saga, so I'm sticking with it. I'm going to stop using their real pictures, but will instead attempt to find pictures of actual fish that seems to correspond with their, well, sparkling personalities. Here goes:

I love lamp! A big lamp!

FreeFalling122 loves absolutely everything, especially the word "big." Her profile begins, "I love life." Well that's just awesome. Seems like everyone else out there these days is totally into murder and genocide, so aren't you just a rejuvenating breath of fresh air? After some mindless pattering about life being "too short" and some god-awful schlock about taking risks, she seemingly turns into a retarded third grader and starts to list the things she loves, beginning with the basics: family, friends, exercise and coffee. Boredom racks my body as I read on. She continues her list (in order: laughing, Blue Moon, snuggling, the beach, hiking, sleeping with the window open, seeing live music, and movies) to the point where I was concerned that much like a song by Air Supply, she'd run fresh out of love.

But no.

She also loves "guys with big hearts... a big laugh and a big heart." My heart is obviously not big enough for you FreeFalling122, but you just keep on loving stuff (...tooth aches, losing your keys, painful urination...).

"I love it when you rub my tummy."

MsKiki289 looks, at first glance, like she gets her thrills on Blueberry Hill, beating the living shit out of anyone who gets in her way. But soon she shows that she has a softer side. Her profile begins, "well, I like to run and jump and play and I love it when you rub my tummy." One can only hope for an explanation of this befuddling introduction and boy howdy, she gives one. "Oh wait thats sounds like man's best friend lol. Well im man's best friend but I only have two legs =( but at least they are sexy! =)." I'm not sure what's more alarming here. The fact that she infers that she likes being treated like a dog, or the fact that her emoticons infer that she's upset that she ONLY HAS TWO LEGS! I'm scared to read on, but for you, gentle reader, I will persevere. 


The very next line reads, "Hi im kiki and my sister is also on this site her name is mizz nisha so if you are writing her please do not send me a message although sharing is caring, we don't like to share men. Thank you for understanding." Alright, MsKiki289, I've had enough. If I can't also date your sister, there's absolutely no way I'm going spend my time and money on Alpo, flea collars, taking you for walks, and trips to the vet. I don't care how excited you get when I come home from work.

"I might not be pretty, but I sure as hell won't apologize for smoking."

Aries4784 is not comfortable with the whole idea of "selling herself," and for good reason. She begins, "I may not be the most beautiful, or the sexiest, nor do I have the perfect body." That's not a good start, but go on. "Yes unfortunately I picked up the bad habit of smoking years back. I won't lie about it and I am not going to explain or apologize for it." Well, even if she's not the best looking, she is charming as all get out. And she's adventerous, too! She would eventually like to "go somewhere that involves needing a passport." Aries4784, if we were married we'd definitely honeymoon somewhere that involves needing a passport! Like Mogadishu, or Pyongyang!

She goes on to describe herself as "a nice person 99% of the time." I don't know about you, but all that does is make me wonder about that missing 1%. What is she then? A rabid dog? I think I may have found MsKiki289's sister! I guess I could put up with the smoking after all.

"I hate commas cuz commas look like little fishhooks!"

Babigurlniki1 describes herself as "down to earth i do not have time for games or lies." She also does not seem to have time for punctuation, but who does these days? Life is fast paced, and slowing down for commas is in no one's best interest, least of all the interests of Babigurlniki1, who wants potential suitors to know how much she loves football and run-on sentences. " I love all aspects of the game whether its watching it on tv or at the stadium or playing wit friends i have to say im not that good but i try but i am good at bowling mini gold shooting pool and soft ball."


Great Babigurlniki1 you seem like a great catch maybe we can watch football together then go bowling you could give me pointers then mini gold shooting pool whatever that is see you could even introduce me to new games I'm adventurous like that what a great team we could be eventually we'll even learn to end sentences with appropriate frequency my lips to yours!

More Matches from Plentyoffish.com

This time I decided not to be a shallow pig and make fun of other people's pictures (though it's really fun, you should give it a try); instead I'll take aim at the self-descriptions my "matches" have left for me to peruse.


Puppylove874 lists her interests as follows: "dating, hugging, doggies, entertaining, hair." She goes on to note, "I love eating, drinking, partying and my two dogs." Gee thanks, plentyoffish.com! It sounds like we'd have a great time together discussing her hair, her dogs, what parties she likes to go to, her dogs, what the best kind of hugging is, and her dogs, too!


Mdblueyez is an interesting character. She sports many tattoos that look like they were drawn during a kindergarten finger-painting lesson and she is morbidly obese. The first line of her "About Me" section reads, "NOT LOOKING FOR JUST SEX OR CASUAL ENCOUNTERS... Does nobody get to know someone else before jumping in bed with them? I mean seriously, wtf?" Well, Mdblueyez, I hope you're happy. You've ruined my day. When I saw the tattoos, I immediately took you for the type who would let me come to your house, and after introducing myself, let me make violent love to one or more of your chins. Congratulations. You've won this round.


Funshiner chose a profile name that implies that she enjoys getting black eyes. But what's in a name? Let's see who she thinks she really is. She claims to be "a 29 year old professional female who enjoys getting down!" I seriously cannot wait to see what her definition of "getting down" is. Let's find out. She continues, "... watching the science/history/military channels, catching up on my sci-fi stories..." Ah yes, there it is! Get DOWN, Funshiner! She also goes on to note that she likes knitting fleece hats and that "the biggest thing about me right now... is that I'm very overweight." (That was her ellipses, not mine.) Funshiner, if you aren't just a big ol' tub o' Man Bait, then you can call me Peggy Sue! 
[Editor's note: the author of this blog will now respond to the name Peggy Sue during any future correspondence.]


Lilbitren gets right to the point. "I am awesome and fun and great in bed. I listen to awesome music and I kick ass." She forgot to mention that she is not so awesome at describing herself and the things she likes. She awesomely fails to elaborate on what makes her so awesome so I'll just have to take her at her awesome word for it. Unfortunately for me she prefers "tall, manly men who build things and fix things." I am nowhere near that awesome. 


Pookey1615 is a mother of two and considers herself quite the comedian. "I don't know how I do it, but I come up with some funny shit, its a mix of dry humor, to dumb stuff that still gets people to laugh." Yes, I'm sure you're basically the female version of Ricky Gervais from Middle River. Your teased bangs could be a good sight gag, too! She may also be out of my league being that she wants potential suitors to know that she "don't do stupid, jerks, conceited or jealous types." Pookey1615, you'll always be the one that got away.


To all of the beautiful, intelligent women from the Baltimore area on Plentyoffish.com...


My lips to yours!