Friday, March 4, 2011

From 2005

In strict adherence to my geekdom, I went to see the latest atrocity slapped with the Star Wars name. Nifty fight scenes, predictable plot, and some of the worst dia"log" in movie history. It was like watching a movie you loved dearly 20 years later. You're really excited to see it, but you're ultimately disappointed.

However, from that movie, my friends and I were able to develop some more characters for the next Star Wars, should George Lucas care to continue the franchise. I mean it is possible that Lucas and his family could run out of money several years after the sun has supernova-ed.

The first character is Brocktoon Skywalker, the inbred, retarded, wheelchair-bound Jedi son of Luke and Leia Skywalker. Though he has difficulty speaking clearly, feeding himself, not drooling, and displaying proper social etiquette in the company of strangers, he is masterful with a light-saber. Much like Yoda's fighting scenes in episodes II and III, he demonstrates a lot of flipping and jumping around in his wheelchair, as he uses the Force to defeat the Sith Lords. His main problem is control however (hear Yoda's "control, control, you must learn control") and he has burned himself many times with his own light-saber. Eventually he cuts off his own hand, receiving a bionic one, much like his father before him. His favorite food is strained peas.

The next character is a testament to how sad a fact it is that John Belushi had to die. He would have been perfect as Frank the Jedi. Frank the Jedi isn't your
typical go-getter, ready to fly across the galaxy at a moments notice to keep everyone safe from the powers of the Dark Side. No Frank is much more laid back,
unconcerned and portly. His primary objective in becoming a Jedi was to be able to bring himself donuts and beer without leaving the couch. He was often
scolded by Jedi masters during his training for stopping to pick up bits of broken chocolate-frosted donuts he dropped during training, and stuffing them in his mouth. He isn't quite a full-fledged Jedi. As soon as he learned how to use the Force to bring himself his favorite snacks, Frank quit his training and returned to his couch. Frank is eventually forced to use his powers for good when the Empire places an embargo on cooking oil and refined sugar in his particular section of the galaxy. He
teams up with Brocktoon, and offers the comic relief with his devil-may-care attitude, and dry, sarcastic wit. Frank accidentally incinerates a small village of
Ewoks attempting to use the Force to cook spare-ribs.

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