"Meet Me" at Plentyoffish

Please do not read too much into the title of this post. I am not asking anyone to go to our favorite dating website so that we can meet and get a deeper understanding of why you list tattoos, football and huffing freon as the things you love, but fail to mention any of your nine children.

No, gentle readers, I am here today to inform you of a new feature at plentyoffish.com called "Meet Me," which they contend will "dramatically improve your matches." I think my readership (all six of you) knows me well enough to know that when plentyoffish.com says that there is a way to "dramatically improve" my matches that I just won't be able to help myself. And so I click on...

And I know this is mean. I shouldn't use people's real pictures. But I have to. I just have to. Out of my desire to "dramatically improve" my matches, I clicked the "Meet Me" button for the very first time and this sultry young vixen's picture pops up.

I could be wrong, but I think she lives in the shed behind her in this picture.

Above her picture is a caption which, presumably, she herself has written. It is a three-word caption which reads (I swear, I am not making this up) "sad and lonely."

THANK YOU, PLENTYOFFFISH.COM! Thank you for dramatically improving my matches! What a big step up from the witches, ogres and hags you typically offer me as potential girlfriend material! Way to go!

At this point, plentyoffish.com offers me several choices. At the top of the page, they ask, "Do You Want to Meet Her?" And then, because the subtle art of dating has not progressed one iota since I was in middle school, they offer three boxes I can click on. They read, "Yes," "No," and "Maybe." As I can't actually bring myself to click on one of these and alert the winner of the 1978 Miss Test Tube Mishap contest as to whether or not I want to meet her, I look for other options and find that I can choose to view her profile. As I am finishing this paragraph I have yet to click on that option so that I can bring you, gentle reader, along with me on what is likely to be an enlightening adventure.

Here we go.

There isn't much I can see without being an "upgraded member" at plentyoffish.com, but what I can see is, well, unsettling. She's 33, likes hiking, bowling, baseball and country music. So far so good, but she then goes on to describe herself in her "About Me" section. Again, I swear that this is an actual quote (name changed).

"Hi my name is Allison.

I have been hurt so many times, I have been stabbed and lied to. I am looking for friendship and see where it goes."

May I confide in you, gentle readers? I totally have a thing for stab wounds. They really rev my engines.

WHAT THE HOLY LIVING SHIT!!!???  I've seen people on dating websites mention that they've been hurt in relationships before. Ok, fair enough, but STABBED? And the fact that "stabbed" is in such close proximity to "lied to" in that sentence, it seems that she equates the two. As if, "no, baby, I was just out having a few drinks with the boys" and "steak knife to the trapezius" are pretty much the same thing.

And I am not one to make light of domestic violence, I'm really not. If she was indeed stabbed, that's a horrible thing. But why on God's Blue Orb would you put that information on a dating website? I mean, I've had some bad dates before. (Did I tell you the one where I shit my pants getting into the car on a date and had to drive 4 miles before dropping her off at a store and had to go to a Subway restaurant bathroom, discard my underpants, throw my khakis in a dumpster and change into a pair of jeans I'd clairvoyantly left in the backseat of my car before rejoining my date at the store? Yep. That happened.) But I rather conveniently choose not to share it with potential romantic interests.

Perhaps I should, though. Perhaps it would dramatically improve the chances of some lucky lady out there, hoping to reel in one hell of a catch.

My lips to yours.

Just Like That

This post is dedicated to the best Italian boobs in the business and the freakishly large head that perches above them.

Name: Giada de Laurentiis (pronounced DEE-lar-en-tees, unless Giada herself is saying it, in which case it probably sounds more like deh-laurlllerrelleelerr-en-teahhhhhhseehh).

Age: Old enough to know how to "work it" and be slightly terrifying at the same time.

Signature dish: Fresh Pasta Rollatini with Spinach and Ricotta. She only likes this dish because it takes her an hour and a half to pronounce it in her bullshit Italian accent.

Favorite ingredients: Anything she can get away with over-enunciating.

Head size she emulates: Megamind

Favorite animal: The great white shark. Wait...

...Oh there it is. Sometimes I can't tell them apart.

Signature cocktail: Whatever this is, it doesn't have nearly enough rohypnol to put me at ease around this woman.

Signature cooking technique: Adding lemon zest to ANYTHING. If she goes to a baseball game, Giada will put lemon zest on her hot dogs and crackerjacks.

Most difficult part about watching her show: Trying to decide if this woman frightens me or turns me on and realizing that these two things might not be mutually exclusive. Paging Dr. Freud!


If you're wondering about the title to this post, watch an episode of her show and take a sip of beer every time she says the phrase, "just like that," while demonstrating how to, say, add salt to a bowl, then see if you can walk straight after 30 minutes. Five bucks says you can't.

My lips to yours

Plentyoffish: They're at it again!

I'm back, gentle readers. I morbidly peered at my plentyoffish.com profile today and took a good, hard look at the beautiful, interesting women who had clicked on me as they cast their proverbial lines into the murky waters of internet dating. Let's see if I should take the bait, shall we?


Here's Zi***ra, the last lady to view my profile. 

White's Only! Never mind that I'm Hispanic!

And here, more literally, is what she has to say about herself (this is verbatim):


 MY NAME IS ZI***RA AND I AM 30 YEARS OLD I AM VERY FUNNY AND I LIKE TO GO TO THE GYM AND I LIKE TO COOK AND I LIKE UpTO RUN ..AND I WOULD LIKE TO FIND MY ANOTHER HALF FOREVER AND HAVE ONE BEAUTIFUL FAMILY. Is hard find a good guy who really wants a honestly lady here!!!!!! .. IF YOU ARE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE SERIOUS ?? I AM HERE LOOKING FOR THE SAME !! I like caucasian guys.....hope find you

Note the interesting use of MOSt CAPS. Really adds a nice zest to her profile. Fortunately for me, I'm white! Unfortunately for her, I don't want "one beautiful family." I'd prefer like, 7 or 8 ugly families. Time to head into deeper waters.

K**86's profile is too long to fit into this post and her boobs are too large to fit into a single picture. But here are snippets of both. 

There are many things you can't tell about me just from seeing my boobs.

Here are some things K**86 lists as "general things" about her. Her profession is "Johns hopkins" (yet another random capitalizer) and she is working towards her Associates degree from Harford County Community College. She continues, "I am a huge football, and hockey fan!" 

Though I'm not usually interested in dating footballs, I am intrigued by really large footballs who love hockey so I read on in a section weirdly labeled, "A few things you probably couldn't tell by looking at me." It's almost as if (from reading her "general things" section) at one glance you would immediately know that she Johns hopkinses for a living. But here are some of those things you apparently couldn't gather from looking this huge football or her huge boobs:

"I love tattoos! I have 4 of my own!" Is it just me, or is this the ONE thing you COULD tell by looking at you, K**86? Oh well, I won't quibble. I'm not much of a quibbler. Go on.

"Music is my world! I'm mostly a alternative kind of girl but I pretty much listen to everything." Excellent! I'd love a alternative girl who listens to everything! I've got some German-Turkish Polka, Himalayan scream singing, and a 14-hour long boxed set of fat people sitting on pies! We could put that on at dinner then slow dance to it until the sun comes up. Mmm, mmm.

"I am extremely close to my parents, as well as my family." Sorry? In addition to being close to your parents, you are also close to your family? Too bad, my sweet, large-breasted football. I refuse to date someone who doesn't recognize their parents as "family," no matter how close you are to them. I shall look elsewhere.


Sistermozart**** also viewed my profile recently.

I look about average, right?

She is 5'0", perfectly round, lists her body type as "average" and enjoys "photography quilting." I was going to make fun of her for her grammatical gaffe, but I read on to find out that "I also combine photography and quilting together to make my own very special quilts." It makes me wonder if she also combines cooking with ritual pagan animal slaughter and I am suddenly very afraid. VERY afraid.


And so I will swim on, gentle readers, and find murkier waters with more fun, colorful fish. 


Until then, my lips to yours.

Half Asleep in the Kitchen

This post is dedicated to Ambien addicts everywhere.

Name: Ina Garten. AKA, "The Barefoot Contessa." She might be royalty in the Hamptons, but let's face it, NO ONE wants to see her feet.

Age: Too old for popped collars, that's for sure.

Favorite Ingredient: GOOOOOD Vanilla, and lots of it.

Favorite Food Network Revolution: Actually MEASURING her ingredients!!!

Activity Anyone Would LEAST Like to Engage in with Ina Garten: Attending one of her insomnia-curing parties!

The Only Gay Man She Won't Party With: Her husband, Jeffrey.

Style She Emulates: Morticians (but with a popped collar for flair).

Signature Cocktail: The only Bloody Mary on Earth that requires the use of a FOOD PROCESSOR!


My lips to yours!

Stats and Such

Back in April, My Lips to Yours! reached it's 1000th page view after existing for about a year. In the past 30 days, it has been visited 1,100 times and I now have over 3000 page views. Pretty cool, huh?

Since the inception of My Lips to Yours!, my most visited post so far has been the Food Network Drinking Game, followed closely by the first half of my review of Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus. 


After the United States, the countries that frequent this humble blog the most are: Canada, the UK, Australia, Germany, the Netherlands, Singapore, Russia, France, and Japan.

The google searches which most commonly lead readers to my blog are: "giada de laurentiis husband," "food network italian," "food network hosts," "kickball team names," and "aviator car."


I have earned $2.06 from 2 people clicking ads on my blog. It would be really sweet if you and your friends clicked the ads either in the blogs themselves (like this one for ESPN's really awesome series, 30 for 30) or the one on the side bar to your right.

Start clicking, gentle readers. And as always...

My lips to yours.

The Things They Love at Plentyoffish.com

I'm back, gentle readers, I'm back. And once again it is time to delve into the self-descriptions of the lovelorn ladies at Plentyoffish.com. One of my favorite things about reading the profiles of these oh-so-desirable women is the seemingly endless list of things they profess to love in this crazy, mixed-up world. Let's take a peek at the things that enrapture the hearts of these overly hopeful fishers of men.

Jackie_______281 is pretty much the standard when it comes to stating blatantly obvious things to love: laughing, spending time with friends, music (all kinds!), and animals (especially dogs). This information is extremely useful to guys who really wanted to weed out all those extremely morose girls who love crying, staying away from friends, hearing music of any kind and who like being mean to household pets.
The only thing she's missing from her "lovelist" that's common amongst plentyofffishers is "loving life." I always hate it when they say that because I'm typically only interested in dating dead women.

My children are hungry, but I need to RIDE!

Cap_____08 offers a rather arbitrary list of things she loves, which alarmingly does not include her three children. However, "motorcycles, tattoos, dancing, football, hockey, beaches, boats, jet skis, hanging out with friends" and "taking pics" make her love-list. I wonder what things are like at Cap_____08's house...
"Mommy, can we go to the library today?"
"You can shut the hell up while Mommy gets a new tattoo today, that's what you can do!"
"But Mommy, we need to learn how to read!"
"You don't need to know how to read to have awesome tattoos and ride jet skis! Now get back in your cage, the hockey game is on!"
Just sets your heart a-twitter, doesn't it?

Surprise! I'm boring!

Based on what she claims to love (working out and belonging to XSport Fitness) and her profile pictures, you'll be perfectly happy when Tar_________2011 finally tells you she loves you. That is, if your definition of "love" is something more akin to "extreme neglect." She also loves college basketball, watching movies and watching the same movies over and over. Judging by her pictures, she loves watching basketball and movies a LOT more than she loves belonging to a gym.
She also loves working in her yard, the smell of freshly cut grass and surprises.
Surprise, Tar_________2011! I fell asleep reading your profile!

My lips to yours. I love saying that.

Ten Steps for Writers Trying to Get Published for the First Time

The most difficult thing about writing is how do you get published when no one knows who you are because you've never been published before? And who wants to read what you've written? The answer is, of course, no one but your mother and she might be jiving, too. But that should not deter you, burgeoning writer, in any way! Because here are all the steps you need to getting published for the first time. Follow these ten simple steps to success and then take my 5 week program for just $800.00. I guarantee I'll make more money if you do. 

Step 1: ALREADY BE PUBLISHED!

Step 2: Have FAMOUS published works already out there. Step 1 just won't do without Step 2. 

Step 3: Stop writing whatever it is YOU are writing and write something good for once.

Step 4: Be an international superstar. Adherence to this may seem like you can skip steps 1-3, but you still have to be previously published and stop what you are writing and write something good for a change in order to get published for the first time. 

Step 5: Send in articles to out of your league periodicals such as the New Yorker, The New York Times, or The Fuck You, This is a New York Periodical, Not Some Podunk Rag From San Diego Monthly. Do this so they can laugh at you.

Step 6: Sell yourself to a publisher. You do this by accomplishing steps 1-5, then writing about it in an engaging way that sounds like you're not bragging but instead, sounds like the earth would start spinning backwards at your written behest. If you are unable to accomplish this, try selling yourself physically. Remember to relax your jaw.

Step 7: Be sure your manuscript leaps off the publisher's desk. Try attaching small but powerful robotic legs to the bottom of it, so it can literally spring off the desk and into her face. Maybe slip some bandaids in between the pages of your manuscript in case the robotic legs thing goes awry.

Step 8: Know someone who knows someone way more awesome than you and the person you know combined times 1000. It always helps to get advice from someone who doesn't know you and who slopped into a writing career because they have a spikey haircut or always wear headphones around their necks. They'll tell you what you need to do is to be more awesome and if you can't accomplish that, go out and buy some dope headphones.

Step 9: Launch a personal blog or website which attracts 40,000,000 people per week who are just fawning over how awesome you are. It should be about something no one has ever heard of before, but everyone now wishes they thought of first, and should include more pictures and video than writing: something like Cat Racecar Drivers or Pigeons with Boxing Gloves.

Step 10: Maintain a positive outlook. Because there are so many reasons to be positive about trying to become a writer. 

My lips to yours.