Ten Steps for Writers Trying to Get Published for the First Time

The most difficult thing about writing is how do you get published when no one knows who you are because you've never been published before? And who wants to read what you've written? The answer is, of course, no one but your mother and she might be jiving, too. But that should not deter you, burgeoning writer, in any way! Because here are all the steps you need to getting published for the first time. Follow these ten simple steps to success and then take my 5 week program for just $800.00. I guarantee I'll make more money if you do. 

Step 1: ALREADY BE PUBLISHED!

Step 2: Have FAMOUS published works already out there. Step 1 just won't do without Step 2. 

Step 3: Stop writing whatever it is YOU are writing and write something good for once.

Step 4: Be an international superstar. Adherence to this may seem like you can skip steps 1-3, but you still have to be previously published and stop what you are writing and write something good for a change in order to get published for the first time. 

Step 5: Send in articles to out of your league periodicals such as the New Yorker, The New York Times, or The Fuck You, This is a New York Periodical, Not Some Podunk Rag From San Diego Monthly. Do this so they can laugh at you.

Step 6: Sell yourself to a publisher. You do this by accomplishing steps 1-5, then writing about it in an engaging way that sounds like you're not bragging but instead, sounds like the earth would start spinning backwards at your written behest. If you are unable to accomplish this, try selling yourself physically. Remember to relax your jaw.

Step 7: Be sure your manuscript leaps off the publisher's desk. Try attaching small but powerful robotic legs to the bottom of it, so it can literally spring off the desk and into her face. Maybe slip some bandaids in between the pages of your manuscript in case the robotic legs thing goes awry.

Step 8: Know someone who knows someone way more awesome than you and the person you know combined times 1000. It always helps to get advice from someone who doesn't know you and who slopped into a writing career because they have a spikey haircut or always wear headphones around their necks. They'll tell you what you need to do is to be more awesome and if you can't accomplish that, go out and buy some dope headphones.

Step 9: Launch a personal blog or website which attracts 40,000,000 people per week who are just fawning over how awesome you are. It should be about something no one has ever heard of before, but everyone now wishes they thought of first, and should include more pictures and video than writing: something like Cat Racecar Drivers or Pigeons with Boxing Gloves.

Step 10: Maintain a positive outlook. Because there are so many reasons to be positive about trying to become a writer. 

My lips to yours.