Plentyoffish: They're at it again!

I'm back, gentle readers. I morbidly peered at my plentyoffish.com profile today and took a good, hard look at the beautiful, interesting women who had clicked on me as they cast their proverbial lines into the murky waters of internet dating. Let's see if I should take the bait, shall we?


Here's Zi***ra, the last lady to view my profile. 

White's Only! Never mind that I'm Hispanic!

And here, more literally, is what she has to say about herself (this is verbatim):


 MY NAME IS ZI***RA AND I AM 30 YEARS OLD I AM VERY FUNNY AND I LIKE TO GO TO THE GYM AND I LIKE TO COOK AND I LIKE UpTO RUN ..AND I WOULD LIKE TO FIND MY ANOTHER HALF FOREVER AND HAVE ONE BEAUTIFUL FAMILY. Is hard find a good guy who really wants a honestly lady here!!!!!! .. IF YOU ARE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE SERIOUS ?? I AM HERE LOOKING FOR THE SAME !! I like caucasian guys.....hope find you

Note the interesting use of MOSt CAPS. Really adds a nice zest to her profile. Fortunately for me, I'm white! Unfortunately for her, I don't want "one beautiful family." I'd prefer like, 7 or 8 ugly families. Time to head into deeper waters.

K**86's profile is too long to fit into this post and her boobs are too large to fit into a single picture. But here are snippets of both. 

There are many things you can't tell about me just from seeing my boobs.

Here are some things K**86 lists as "general things" about her. Her profession is "Johns hopkins" (yet another random capitalizer) and she is working towards her Associates degree from Harford County Community College. She continues, "I am a huge football, and hockey fan!" 

Though I'm not usually interested in dating footballs, I am intrigued by really large footballs who love hockey so I read on in a section weirdly labeled, "A few things you probably couldn't tell by looking at me." It's almost as if (from reading her "general things" section) at one glance you would immediately know that she Johns hopkinses for a living. But here are some of those things you apparently couldn't gather from looking this huge football or her huge boobs:

"I love tattoos! I have 4 of my own!" Is it just me, or is this the ONE thing you COULD tell by looking at you, K**86? Oh well, I won't quibble. I'm not much of a quibbler. Go on.

"Music is my world! I'm mostly a alternative kind of girl but I pretty much listen to everything." Excellent! I'd love a alternative girl who listens to everything! I've got some German-Turkish Polka, Himalayan scream singing, and a 14-hour long boxed set of fat people sitting on pies! We could put that on at dinner then slow dance to it until the sun comes up. Mmm, mmm.

"I am extremely close to my parents, as well as my family." Sorry? In addition to being close to your parents, you are also close to your family? Too bad, my sweet, large-breasted football. I refuse to date someone who doesn't recognize their parents as "family," no matter how close you are to them. I shall look elsewhere.


Sistermozart**** also viewed my profile recently.

I look about average, right?

She is 5'0", perfectly round, lists her body type as "average" and enjoys "photography quilting." I was going to make fun of her for her grammatical gaffe, but I read on to find out that "I also combine photography and quilting together to make my own very special quilts." It makes me wonder if she also combines cooking with ritual pagan animal slaughter and I am suddenly very afraid. VERY afraid.


And so I will swim on, gentle readers, and find murkier waters with more fun, colorful fish. 


Until then, my lips to yours.